The Patriots win TWO!

I can't lie. I was worried about this game. The Rivers hype started to get to me. People on twitter were sending notes about the offensive onslaught from Rivers and Jackson and Gates. The Patriots defense struggled against a silly Dolphins offense last week AND we lost in week two last year... to the vomitous New Jersey Jets. So, yeah, worried.

The stupid Bills/Oakland game went over and so I missed the first eight minutes of the home opener, but the game came on just in time for me to see Brady draw first blood with a puhrty touchdown pass to Hernandez. A member of Patriots nation on twitter said that he wants to start calling this the "Blitzkrieg offense." Fast, precise, deadly. We were all ready to bash in the Chargers faces if they faked one more BS injury to break up the Riots momentum. Things were looking good early, then the defense gave up a touchdown to Rivers and the worry was back.

HEY, speaking of worries... did anyone see Ocho show up yesterday! Very briefly, more like a pop in, but still nice catch to move us closer to pay dirt!

Oh, and watching Tom Brady both run for the first down was hysterical! Oh sweetie, you're just not that kind of quarterback! But I still luh you. Patriots take the lead again off Gostkowski's foot and I cover my face with my hands as the defense comes out to face Rivers again.

The Patriots D did what they always do (or fail to do...Jesus, can someone confirm that they understand there are *FOUR* downs and you can't just chillax on third?) but then, OMG. River is in the redzone, Chargers look like they're about to take the first lead of the game...I can't watch... stopped. Second and goal! STOPPED AGAIN. THIRD AND GOAL. Rivers tries to run it in: DEEENIIIEEDD!!!

OH MY GOSH! OH MY GOSH! OH MY GOSH!!

FOURTH AND INCHES at the goal line, THE CHARGERS GO FOR IT.

I want to vomit...I CAN'T...

THE DEFENSE HOLDS THEM!!! OH. MY. FUCKING. LORD!!!

Tom Brady does what he does BESTEST, march down the full length of the field for a touchdown. GRONKED!

Suddenly, I can't remember what I was so worried about. I was at Qualcomm for last year's Patriots/Chargers match up and even though the Riots (I hate the nickname "Pats") played poorly, the Chargers managed to play WORSE. I mean awful penalties and even worse throws...blech. Phil Rivers might be the most overhyped quarterback in the league...well, or maybe tied with Matt Ryan. When your stupid ass is getting intercepted by our *nose tackle* you need to sit all the way down and fall ALL the way back. The big man looked almost spry bumbling down the sidelines! (Ooh, and how dirty were those two Brady to Branch passes to get Gostkowski 20 yards closer! I MEAN HONESTLY, NO RESPECT FOR THE CHARGERS DEFENSE!) When I saw the tribute to Myra Kraft at the half and the fact that they were dedicating this game to the memory of the team's matriarch, I knew the Chargers were done for.

My friends from LA were visiting New York and decided to come over to see the late games with me (they had tickets to watch the Jets pick apart the Jaguars.) Transit decided not to run any trains to Brooklyn, so I had to pause the game to go fetch them.

I had actually seen last year's Patriots/Chargers game with my visitors, so we decided it was now an annual tradition to watch the Patriots spank the Chargers at football.

When we returned the score was still 20- 7, but again the defense kept letting Rivers convert third down and third down. Chargers score. I pout.


Brady stalls out. The PATRIOTS GO FOR IT ON FOURTH! Crippling flashbacks of that offing Colts game from two years ago...they can't convert. Turnover on downs and Chargers have amazing field position. I want to cry. The stupid announcers are all "blah blah I would never have done that blah blah blah." Before they can even finish their thought....FUMBLE! PATRIOTS RECOVER THE BALL! HAHAHAHAHAH

SUCK IT! The big Rivers fans from just a few days ago are getting salty about all my "Philip Rivers sucks," tweets. I laugh even harder.

Patriots score, they go for two AND get it! I'm couch dancing like nobody's business. Patriots go up 2-0. I exhale.

The defense still needs to get better. Like, Belichick should dock their pay $50,000 for every third down they give up, Ridley didn't look so great in a real game, and Ocho still has a ways to go...I still doubt that he finishes out the season.

My love of Deion Branch continues to grow and grow...may be time to buy me a number 84 jersey. I hope he retires as a Patriot.

My men on our the road next week against the Bills. My former friends from Buffalo are already sending me ratchet trash texts and tweets.

Mmmhmm. I'm not saying anything. I'll leave it up to Tom Brady to respond. Give him five minutes.