Sunday, September 11, 2011

Fantasy Football is back!

F-train likes to say "no one cares about your fantasy football team but you." F-train is a jerk face!

I've been playing fantasy football for something like 12 years now. It has been eight years since I won and I STILL try to draft Daunte Culpepper EVERY year in the hopes of repeating. I found this hilarious roster of my 2005 I drafted these people *ON PURPOSE*

Saturday, September 10th, 2005 by Dawn Summers


QB D. Culpepper (Min – QB)

WR H. Ward (Pit – WR)

WR C. Chambers (Mia – WR)

RB C. Martin (NYJ – RB)

RB J. Lewis (Bal – RB)

TE A. Crumpler (Atl – TE)

W/T P. Burress

K Vanderjact

Def Buffalo Bills


This is the result from the year before:

1st round: Jamal Lewis, RB, Baltimore.
2nd round: Daunte Culpepper, QB, Minnesota
3rd round: Brian Westbrook, RB, Philadelphia*
4th round: Michael Bennett, RB, Minnesota (proof positive that some people NEVER learn)
5th round: Peerless Price, WR, Hotlanta
6th round: Curtis Martin, RB, Jets
(Sorry, Dawn he was taken in the third round by another team.)
6th round: Anquan Boldin, WR, Arizona
(Actually, Dawn, it’s not your turn.)
Oh, my bad.
6th round (take three): Amani Toomer, WR, New York
7th round: Boo Williams, TE, New Orleans
8th round: Mike Vanderjagt, K, Indianapolis
9th round: Philadelphia Defense
10th round: Amani “it’s not a” Toomer, WR, New York
(Dawn, he was taken in the sixth round.)
(Dude, Dawn, YOU took him in the sixth round.)
Oh, right. My bad again.
10th round: Clinton Portis, RB, Washington.
(That’s it, Summers. You’re banned, banned from Fantasy Football forever. Portis was taken in the first round by another team.)
Oh, um…well, at least I didn’t pick him.
12 hours later…
10th round (take three): Eddie George, RB, Dallas
11th round: Brandon Lloyd, WR, San Francisco*
12th round: Jeff Garcia, QB, San Francisco
13th round: Muhsin Muhammad, WR, Carolina
14th round: Josh Reed, WR, Buffalo
15th round: Chester Taylor, RB, Baltimore Ravens

And that’s the squad.
So far Bennett’s been injured, Vanderjagt’s missed his first field goal in more than a year and a friend of mine playing Fantasy in another league said he had to rethink his whole team because he had picked one of the same backs that I did and figured he must have done something wrong.

SEE? I pick the first available Daunte Culpepper EVERY TIME! I've gotten a lot better at fantasy football in recent years. I think I had the best draft of MY LIFE this year. I'm in two leagues. One with Clareiverse foes like F-train, VinNay and Alceste and another led by poker foe Unimpressed. Here are the results:

Alceste League:

Matt Schaub
(Hou - QB)
Mike Wallace
(Pit - WR)
Brandon Marshall
(Mia - WR)
Ray Rice
(Bal - RB)

Maurice Jones-Drew
(Jac - RB)

Dustin Keller
(NYJ - TE)
Greg Olsen
(Car - TE)

Mike Williams
(TB - WR)

Cedric Benson
(Cin - RB)

Matt Ryan
(Atl - QB)

Willis McGahee
(Den - RB)

James Starks
(GB - RB)

Danny Woodhead
(NE - RB)

Gostkowski: Kicker
Jets: Defense

F-train mocked my picks of Benson and the Jets D in the eighth round. However, he drafted a QB with his first pick and a Tight End with his third pick, so he can bite me.

Unimpressed League:

Michael Vick
(Phi - QB)

Mike Wallace
(Pit - WR)

Mike Williams
(TB - WR)

Cedric Benson
(Cin - RB)

Knowshon Moreno

Antonio Gates
(SD - TE)

Jeremy Maclin
(Phi - WR)

Arian Foster
(Hou - RB)Q

Ben Roethlisberger
(Pit - QB)

Julio Jones
(Atl - WR)

Ben Tate
(Hou - RB)

James Starks
(GB - RB)

Darren Sproles
(NO - RB)

Brent Celek
(Phi - TE)

Janikowski - Kicker
New Orleans - Defense

I have declared this team "sick"! My friend, Dr. Shady disagrees and kept trying to get me to trade Vick for some other RB and use Big Ben as my starter. When Foster went down to injury even before the damn season started, I began to worry that he was right. Of course, after Vick lit it up on Sunday and Big Ben sucked it like it was hot...I remembered that ain't no way a Yankees/Jets fan could EVER be right.

My strategy this year was simple: One awesome sauce running back, then receivers, receivers, receivers...but oh, if Michael Vick falls to me in the third round, okay. Also, since I have a history of watching my fantasy teams crumble, I also decided to cooler the Jets by picking their defense and Sanchez' favorite tight end target. I also did not pick any Patriots. Well, except for Gostkowski and Woodhead. The first because I've had him for three years straight and the latter because he's too little and needs to not be a starter for us anymore. It was cute last year because it was like "fuck you Jets." But we lost the Divisional round (sob) and I think we need to just focus on say...Stevan Ridley! Holla!

Looking forward to Monday Night football, obviously!

I'm currently behind in the Alceste league, my opponent had Brees, who actually decided to show up this year, unlike last year when I had him. Ditto for Beanie Wells and Jabar Gaffney: em effers! I need big nights from Keller and the Jets D...but it's not looking good. I'm ahead in the other league.

Now, onward to Monday Night football! I'll try to get my Patriots season post up this afternoon...gotta say I still have nightmares about that fucking Detroit pre season game...and not just because a hurricane was barrelling toward my high rise, window covered apartment.


  1. This is disturbing. In my two FFL leagues, I have Vick, Wallace, Gates, Foster, Starks, Gostkowski, and Roethlisberger.

    Vick isn't going to make it past week 5 if the Philly O-line doesn't get its act together, my Roethlisberger to Wallace double-dip was obviously nowhere to be found this week, luckily I had Ward to sub in for Foster (but come on . . . out already?), Grant is miraculously going to make it through the whole season as a starter (unlike last year when I had him) so Starks won't get a lot of carries, Rivers keeps throwing to 35 instead of 85, and who knows what sort of nonsense is going to befall Gostkowski this year.

    I hate you.

  2. Yuo took that D way too early, otherwise, I think you may actually have some decent teams this year.

  3. Uh-oh. My word verification for that last comment was "injurey" Sounds like a bad portent for you.

  4. @ckbwop I am laughing so hard! You are totally screwed! :)

  5. I have Benson, Julio Jones, and Mike Williams. I can survive this. I can survive this.

    Nevertheless, the "Blame Dawn Summers for Fantasy Failure" rule is hereby reinstated.