WON AND OHHH YYEEEAAAHHHH

I had SO many favorite moments from last night's game! OH GOSH did I miss football!

So, yeah Hernandez made it rain in the end zone, Welker made the Dolphins eat his dust (see above), Solder man-effing-handled that Wake dude, but one name I haven't heard much today was Deion Branch! And how amazing was HE LAST NIGHT? I know the Dolphins ended up scoring anyway, but his tackle after the dude picked off Brady WAS EPIC! Branch is ALL HEART! And on top of that, he was catching passes ALL OVER the face of that Dolphin corner! Soo so so good.

I love this offense. I love them from the tippy top of Gronkowski's head (the good one, not the one that starts all false and leads Tom Brady to throw his first interception in two damn hell as years...GRRR) to the bottom of Woodhead's itty bitty teeny tiny feet. Can we trade Ocho to the Vikings for a third round pick in 2013 and hire back Randy Moss for a twenty-five dollars? Can we? Can we? Actually, my opponent had Ocho last night, so I can only hope that his sucktacular outing was simply because he knew that any big catches or touchdowns would doom my inaugural fantasy week.

Similarly...

I can only assume that the defense knew I had Brandon Marshall on my team, so that's why McCourty let him have a 100+ yards game. UGH. What is UP with our defense? Henne basically walked the ball into the end zone and they just should there, mouths agape, going "hey, quarterbacks can DO that?" YES! MOTHERFUCKERS! NOW PUT HIS ASS ON THE GROUND!

They seemed to get better for the second and third quarters, but they need to start stronger AND finish stronger. If we've got Henne passing for 400 yards on us, what the hell is RIVER GONNA DO?? *Shudders.*

OH, and in my fantasy footnote, after Marshall's performance, and despite Gostkowski's shank, I went into the last game of the week with a 16 point lead and my opponent only having Janikowski left. I nearly had a fucking coronary as he ALONE scored 13 points in the first half! DAMN HELL AS SUCKING ASS BRONCOS! But I ended up hanging on for the win by like slightly less than 3 points.

I now lead the league, like the Patriots lead their division!

OOO-RAH!

Redemption Season

My BFF on Sundays, Mondays and alternating Wednesdays -- @thisisnotapril-- , sent me this as a birthday gift:


I have been rocking the bracelet nonstop and have a plan to put a fingernail tattoo on a finger for each Patriots regular season win... although, with showering, that may not be the best idea...I'm putting a pin in it.

Here we are... 2011. The schedule features the NFC East teams...does anyone remember the last time we played the NFC East teams...yup...2007...that season.

That oh-so-fucking-close-to-shutting-the-72-Dolphins-the-fuck-up-FOREVER-season. Sigh.

So yes, when I saw the schedule, I immediately dubbed this the "Redemption Season." Where the 2011 Patriots return to finish the job the 2007 Patriots started. A Giants fan in my office laughed at me every day for a week after I said this out loud. Then she started writing football appropriate lyrics to Bob Marley's "Redemption Song," and humming it whenever she saw me in the break room. My project with her ended last week, but I wish I could have seen her humming ass face yesterday afternoon after the Redskins went all whack-a-mole on Eli.

But, I digress. This post is about the Patriots and my hopes (without being tainted by the results of tonight's Dolphins game.)

I did not like what I saw in Detroit last month or whenever that debacle was... as Fitzy so cleverly put it, the Lions fed our boys a nut sack sandwich AND NOBODY LIKES A NUT SACE SANDWICH!

All my friends kept saying "ah, don't worry, it's preseason." But they weren't watching -- our starters WERE OUT THERE PLAYING. FOR REALSIES. AND STILL LOSING. Mankins took a punch to the face for chrissakes. They weren't playing "preseason football," they were playing football football and couldn't get a damn thing going. AGAINST THE LIONS. (I know, I know they're good this year, but still...that team is supposed to be our fun house mirror image, not dominating us on the gridiron.)

I liked the off season addition of Haynesworth (though, why is he ALWAYS out with some random ailment or court appearance??) I was NOT a fan of the Ochocinco addition...my prediction is that sideshow will be leaving town before the season ends. (Plus, my opponent in fantasy has him tonight and I'm down by 3 points, so I'm hoping for a big fat Ocho goose egg.)

I love our two headed tight end monster and Welker obviously...but if the Offensive line is going to be choking on nut sacks all year long... the Patriots are going to lose games. Tom Brady can't throw touchdowns from the ground... well, he can, but not enough to string together another perfect season.

The Ravens look terrifyingly good on both defense AND offense. The Jets look good on defense and practically Sanchez-riffic on offense. (Please note: any adjective which begins with "Sanchez" on Wide Right is pejorative. #noraces - Management.) The Bills strung together three lights out quarters of football on Sunday and hell, even I picked up Brandon Marshall after watching some of the Miami preseason games. There are no gimmees this year. League parity blah blah blah.

But I love my boys: Brady, Wilfork, Mankins, Branch, Welker, McCourty...wheeeee! I fear and respect our coach above all things, I prayed extra super hard on Sunday for another Patriots championship, so we'll see what we see. I'm also putting bets on the Ravens and the Jets to win the AFC championship and the Eagles or Green Bay to win the Superbowl for extra good coloring measure.

I'm ready for tonight and hope we squish the fish so bad, their stadium looks like "The Cove."

Lombardi FOUR.... REDEMPTION SEASON ACTIVATE!

Fantasy Football is back!

F-train likes to say "no one cares about your fantasy football team but you." F-train is a jerk face!

I've been playing fantasy football for something like 12 years now. It has been eight years since I won and I STILL try to draft Daunte Culpepper EVERY year in the hopes of repeating. I found this hilarious roster of my 2005 team...like I drafted these people *ON PURPOSE*

CAN WE REPEAT?
Saturday, September 10th, 2005 by Dawn Summers
CAN WE REPEAT?

2005 ECB RAMS

QB D. Culpepper (Min – QB)

WR H. Ward (Pit – WR)

WR C. Chambers (Mia – WR)

RB C. Martin (NYJ – RB)

RB J. Lewis (Bal – RB)

TE A. Crumpler (Atl – TE)

W/T P. Burress

K Vanderjact

Def Buffalo Bills

BILLS DEFENSE??? REALLY?? *Head desk*


This is the result from the year before:

1st round: Jamal Lewis, RB, Baltimore.
2nd round: Daunte Culpepper, QB, Minnesota
3rd round: Brian Westbrook, RB, Philadelphia*
4th round: Michael Bennett, RB, Minnesota (proof positive that some people NEVER learn)
5th round: Peerless Price, WR, Hotlanta
6th round: Curtis Martin, RB, Jets
(Sorry, Dawn he was taken in the third round by another team.)
Oops.
6th round: Anquan Boldin, WR, Arizona
(Actually, Dawn, it’s not your turn.)
Oh, my bad.
6th round (take three): Amani Toomer, WR, New York
7th round: Boo Williams, TE, New Orleans
8th round: Mike Vanderjagt, K, Indianapolis
9th round: Philadelphia Defense
10th round: Amani “it’s not a” Toomer, WR, New York
(Dawn, he was taken in the sixth round.)
(Dude, Dawn, YOU took him in the sixth round.)
Oh, right. My bad again.
10th round: Clinton Portis, RB, Washington.
(That’s it, Summers. You’re banned, banned from Fantasy Football forever. Portis was taken in the first round by another team.)
Oh, um…well, at least I didn’t pick him.
12 hours later…
10th round (take three): Eddie George, RB, Dallas
11th round: Brandon Lloyd, WR, San Francisco*
12th round: Jeff Garcia, QB, San Francisco
13th round: Muhsin Muhammad, WR, Carolina
14th round: Josh Reed, WR, Buffalo
15th round: Chester Taylor, RB, Baltimore Ravens

And that’s the squad.
So far Bennett’s been injured, Vanderjagt’s missed his first field goal in more than a year and a friend of mine playing Fantasy in another league said he had to rethink his whole team because he had picked one of the same backs that I did and figured he must have done something wrong.

SEE? I pick the first available Daunte Culpepper EVERY TIME! I've gotten a lot better at fantasy football in recent years. I think I had the best draft of MY LIFE this year. I'm in two leagues. One with Clareiverse foes like F-train, VinNay and Alceste and another led by poker foe Unimpressed. Here are the results:

Alceste League:


QB
Matt Schaub
(Hou - QB)
WR
Mike Wallace
(Pit - WR)
WR
Brandon Marshall
(Mia - WR)
RB
Ray Rice
(Bal - RB)

RB
Maurice Jones-Drew
(Jac - RB)

TE
Dustin Keller
(NYJ - TE)
W/T
Greg Olsen
(Car - TE)

BN
Mike Williams
(TB - WR)

Cedric Benson
(Cin - RB)

Matt Ryan
(Atl - QB)

Willis McGahee
(Den - RB)

BN
James Starks
(GB - RB)

Danny Woodhead
(NE - RB)

Gostkowski: Kicker
Jets: Defense

F-train mocked my picks of Benson and the Jets D in the eighth round. However, he drafted a QB with his first pick and a Tight End with his third pick, so he can bite me.

Unimpressed League:


QB
Michael Vick
(Phi - QB)

WR
Mike Wallace
(Pit - WR)

WR
Mike Williams
(TB - WR)

RB
Cedric Benson
(Cin - RB)

RB
Knowshon Moreno

TE
Antonio Gates
(SD - TE)

Jeremy Maclin
(Phi - WR)

Arian Foster
(Hou - RB)Q

Ben Roethlisberger
(Pit - QB)

Julio Jones
(Atl - WR)

Ben Tate
(Hou - RB)

James Starks
(GB - RB)

Darren Sproles
(NO - RB)

Brent Celek
(Phi - TE)


Janikowski - Kicker
New Orleans - Defense

I have declared this team "sick"! My friend, Dr. Shady disagrees and kept trying to get me to trade Vick for some other RB and use Big Ben as my starter. When Foster went down to injury even before the damn season started, I began to worry that he was right. Of course, after Vick lit it up on Sunday and Big Ben sucked it like it was hot...I remembered that ain't no way a Yankees/Jets fan could EVER be right.

My strategy this year was simple: One awesome sauce running back, then receivers, receivers, receivers...but oh, if Michael Vick falls to me in the third round, okay. Also, since I have a history of watching my fantasy teams crumble, I also decided to cooler the Jets by picking their defense and Sanchez' favorite tight end target. I also did not pick any Patriots. Well, except for Gostkowski and Woodhead. The first because I've had him for three years straight and the latter because he's too little and needs to not be a starter for us anymore. It was cute last year because it was like "fuck you Jets." But we lost the Divisional round (sob) and I think we need to just focus on awesome...like say...Stevan Ridley! Holla!

Looking forward to Monday Night football, obviously!

I'm currently behind in the Alceste league, my opponent had Brees, who actually decided to show up this year, unlike last year when I had him. Ditto for Beanie Wells and Jabar Gaffney: em effers! I need big nights from Keller and the Jets D...but it's not looking good. I'm ahead in the other league.

Now, onward to Monday Night football! I'll try to get my Patriots season post up this afternoon...gotta say I still have nightmares about that fucking Detroit pre season game...and not just because a hurricane was barrelling toward my high rise, window covered apartment.

Quote of the Day

Vinnay (NO LINK. LINKS ARE FOR BLOGGERS.) doesn't think my wearing a Patriots jersey to the Jets/Bills game at the Ralph next week is such a good idea:

"Rich people in Buffalo go to Sabres games. Blue collar drunkards go to Bills games. Even if you got lucky and found a rich guy to beat you senseless, the cops would look the other way once they saw the Pats jersey."

Tom Brady signs extension!

GO PATRIOTS!

Ray Lewis to Rex Ryan: Imma MURDER YOU

What? Too soon?


via Gerard

Fantasy Football: Part Deux

Okay, draft in my primary fantasy league is finally over! Every year I doubt we'll make it, every year we get it in under the wire. Just.

I'm actually pretty proud of myself this year, usually I pick one or two and then make Alceste pick the rest, but I actually picked my whole squad this year. The only pick I'm not so jazzed about is Felix Jones, it was a rushed pick and I regretted it almost immediately, but whatever, here's my squad:

QB Drew Brees
(NO - QB)
WR Randy Moss
(NE - WR)
WR Greg Jennings
(GB - WR)
RB Matt Forte
(Chi - RB)
RB Jerome Harrison
(Cle - RB)
TE Jason Witten
(Dal - TE)
W/T Jabar Gaffney
(Den - WR)
BN Beanie Wells
(Ari - RB)
BN Hakeem Nicks
(NYG - WR)
BN Felix Jones
(Dal - RB)
(SF - QB)
BN Rob Gronkowski
(NE - TE) TEW/TBN Cin Sun

K Stephen Gostkowski
(NE - K) KBN Cin Sun

DEF San Diego
(SD - DEF) DEF
BN Minnesota
(Min - DEF)


My opponent in the first week is Vinnay and he has totally gotten in my head with his all Wide receivers, all day strategy. PLUS HE GOT TOM BRADY AS HIS QB IN THE FOURTH ROUND!!!! My league is effing nuts. (Oh, and yes, that means in BOTH my leagues I'll be facing squads led by Tom Brady! I guess I'm rooting for a 9 field goal game to beat the Bengals on Sunday! Oh...but one where Tom completes 60 yard bombs to Randy Moss...Oy.)

Oh, here's Vinnay's team:

QB Jay Cutler
(Chi - QB)
WR Andre Johnson
(Hou - WR)
WR Miles Austin
(Dal - WR)
RB C.J. Spiller
(Buf - RB)
RB Tim Hightower
(Ari - RB)
TE Brent Celek
(Phi - TE)
W/T DeSean Jackson
(Phi - WR)
BN Tom Brady
(NE - QB)
BN Jermichael Finley
(GB - TE)
BN Knowshon Moreno
(Den - RB)
BN Justin Forsett
(Sea - RB)
BN Mike Williams
(TB - WR)
BN Nate Burleson
(Det - WR)
K Nate Kaeding
(SD - K) @KC Mon

DEF Green Bay
4:15 pm