SWEEP!

Um. I can't believe it. Like, at all. All season I've been waiting for that game that I can save on my DVR and watch over and over again -- last year it was the Jets at New England regular season game, obviously. For a little while thsi year, it was the San Diego at New England one, but besides watching Wilfork pick off Rivers, it was kind of an ordinary game.

Heck, New England very suddenly became an ordinary team. I didn't like it, but on Sunday I embraced it -- completely. I hashtagged all my game day tweets "underdogs." I had my alcohol consumption action plan in place and then... nothing. Nick Folk did what Nick Folk does and the Jets' opening drive ended in zip. New England responded with back to back field goals and then a safety. I still don't know why if the other team gets the points, they also get the ball. RUDE.

Then, finally, Sanchez put together a drive that resulted in the two fisted wine drinking when he rushed into the endzone for a touchdown, BUT, not before he called a timeout, leaving enough time on the clock for Tom Brady to respond with a New England touchdown of his own.

Rex Ryan promptly threw Sanchez under the bus, rather melodramatically calling the ill-advised time out "the worst play in football." Come on. That isn't even the worst Sanchez play in football. Jeebus. If the pretty boy Sanchize wasn't such a dick, I'd feel sorry for the kid.

But he is, so I don't. Fuck the Jets.

And then the second half started. New England very notoriously disappears in second halfs against the Jets -- NOT SO this time around. Another touchdown, another field goal. The offense looked like it was clicking again, but more importantly, the defense was...um... defending. ANDRE CARTER WITH A BEASTLIKE 4.5 SACKS! NINKOVICH WITH TWO PICKS, INCLUDING A PICK SIX!

Football was fun again! I wasn't even talking any smack -- I was reverse talking smack and it was oh, so much more fun! I think I just about made F-train's head asplode with my "Jets are a fourth quarter team, your guys will probably win this." LOL.

I dunno, maybe, I half believed it...though, when I decided to bench the Jets D, I knew my heart was all-in on the New England sweep. Of course, no one can just be happy with the win, already the announcers are jinxing us with "oh, their schedule is really easy, I'm sure they'll win all the rest of their games this season," talk. I hate the announcers so much.

We face Kansas City at home next week. I thought it would be the return of the prodigal son, Matt Cassel, but seems like he's injured and we're getting some back-up KC QB. Hopefully, we can begin our streak of home wins anew. But the Jets game took an injury toll... McCourty, being the most notable. Stupid self inflicted helmet to helmet. *Shakes fist at (looks it up) Moore*

But all those concerns are for another day, I'm going to enjoy sweeping the Jets for at least another four days. Well, first I'm going to get some sleep AND THEN I'm going to enjoy sweeping the Jets for another three days.

I hate the Jets sooo much.

This. Is. Sparta

"You don't have a football blog, you have a Patriots blog. Actually, you have a 'when the Patriots are winning blog.'" - Ugarles

LOL. Ugarles is the speaker of three of the top ten funniest things I've ever heard and that sentence is number 9 because it's totally true, yet hilarious.

Indeed, I've missed two weeks of the season and curiously enough, the Patriots lost both those games. In my defense, I missed the Pittsburgh game for personal reasons - my first missed Patriots game in five years, so I kinda blamed myself for the loss and geared up in full Riots regalia for the Giants game...we still lost...le sigh.

So here we are. Haynesworth? Cut. Bodden? Cut. Ochocinco? Missing in Action. Tom Love of My Life Brady? Getting benched in favor of Tim TEBOW.

Things look bleak. I do not believe we will win this game against the dreaded Jets on Sunday, I do not believe we will make the playoffs this year. That "rebuilding season" everyone's been talking about for the last three years? Yup. It's here. It's ugly. And I hate its stupid stupid face. But I suppose it's necessary, so, we've gone from redemption season to THE PATRIOTS LAST STAND.

Ever see 300? THAT.

What's left of our injury decimated squad will roll into New Jersey on Sunday night and face one of the toughest defenses in the league. Whatever happens, we will stand strong for as long as we can, until we are destroyed. Hopefully, we will take some of those fuckers down with us. And in that vein, if my boys face most certain death, they will not face it alone. I have invented the best ever 300 Patriots v. Jets drinking game:

One shot for every Patriots fumble.
Two shots for every Tom Brady interception.
Three shots for every Tom Brady Pick Six.
A glass of wine for every Sanchez Touchdown Pass.
Two glasses of wine for every Sanchez rushing touchdown.
Drink 8 oz. of water for every Sanchez interception.
Eat something for every Tom Brady Touchdown Pass.
If that pass is to Ocho Cinco, book trip to Disneyland.
Get a 90 minute Swedish massage for every Tom Brady rushing Touchdown.

This. Is. Sparta.

Someone come collect my body on Monday.

Oops, I crapped my pants

The entire left side of my head turned completely grey during the third quarter of this game.

I curse the name of Rob Ryan, though I don't know why I blamed him when the Patriots seemed to be imploding all on their own. Two more Tom Brady interceptions. Slater fumbles AND we turn it over to Dallas on the 30. Hernando turns it over in the redzone for the second consecutive game???

I was in the fetal position on my couch sucking my thumb and staring into the abyss of two more weeks of looking up at the Bills in the AFC East AND being forced to watch replays of Brady's interceptions. Oy. But there was hope right? We got the ball back with 10 minutes left! Punt. Ball back with 5 minutes left! Punt.
I want to die. Nothing is fair. Cowboys fans are filling up my mentions on twitter. I pray and pray for Romo to do something stupid.

Pleeeeaassseee!
Time marches on. Less than two minutes left.

I've given up. Huh. First down? Okay.

First down.

I feel hope creeping into my body...

First down. We're in Dallas territory.

Less than a minute left. At the thirty now... Gostkowski can tie it. First OT of the season... New England time out.

I can't. I just can't...

They're back... Brady scrambles around in the pocket... Looking...looking... Oh, God... He lets it rip.

The ball slams in Hernandez' chest, he falls backwards to the ground in the endzone. I wait for the anvil to drop on my head. Ball squirts out, his hair is out of bounds, Ocho called for holding on the sidelines. Something?

Nope. Touchdown. Extra point is good. Riots up by four with 22 seconds on the clock.

I am paralyzed with fear.

Kick off returned for TD? Tony Romo hail mary pass for a... Hahahaha okay, I never seriously contemplated Romo winning this for the Cowboys, I was despondent, not lobotomized. Clock winds to zero. The Cowboys don't score again.

Patriots win. I stare at the TV in disbelief.

It's one of those classic lose/lose scenarios. Patriots fans feel cheated because we should have crushed those circus clowns, not eeked out a last minute win. Dallas fans feel dejected because they lost.

Nobody's happy.

Well, except the Patriots fans who, after a few shots realize that the Giants' early game win over the Bills, coupled with Brady's heroics means the Riots go into the bye week in first! And by "Patriots fans" I mean me.

First place team says: KEEP.CALM. AND BRADY ON!

The Home Stand

My boys in blue were back at Foxboro this week to face the New Jersey Jets (yeah, I said it.) they were wearing their "Boston Patriots" throwback jerseys and the Bruins were spilling dirty water on our field, but the New England Patriots were home again.

I was feeling queasy. The Jets had lost two in a row, including a hilarious three stooges homage courtesy of Sanchez (and Flacco's really) performance in the Jets/ Ravens matchup. Plus, the entire Jets squad seems to have a super hard-on for Tom Brady (and who can blame them) so I figured this was going to be a tough game.

Sure enough, it was the first game where Officer Tom and his awesome brigade did not score on their opening drive. We had to wait till the second one for the first Law Firm touchdown! I love that guy. He is SO unassuming, yet pretty fucking great. I cannot believe he's never fumbled in his whole career. Yes, I can say that now because he isn't on the field. When the announcers kept saying that during the game, I wanted to slit their throats. Anyone remember how they kept blah blah blahing about Brady not having been sacked and then BAM, down the Raiders take him? Grrr.

Up 10-0, I was still nervous about losing (I HATE LOSING. I SUPER MEGA HATE LOSING TO THE JETS.) Another Lawfirm penetration and I was breathing easier, heck, as the clock wound down and TFB was marching to the endzone to close the half, I was all "I'M NOT EATING TILL THE PATRIOTS SCORE AGAIN!" And laughing and...and... then that wretched Hernandez deflection to Cromartie IN THE ENDZONE? BLASTED!

At least it wasn't a pick six.

AND THEN BRANCH FUMBLES?? (And seriously, totally a fumble, we got MAD lucky on that one)

I didn't breathe for the rest of the game, not till I safely and soundly say the Gostkowski kick sail through sending us up by more than two possessions... though, those fuckers could have scored a touchdown and a two point conversion to send it to overtime...but that didn't happen! A win! A sloppy, penalty filled, heart attack triggering win, but a win nonetheless.

Now, the Cowboys come to town. I'm not as nervous about this game as I was about the last two, but the Cowboys are coming off a bye... Dez and Miles are back, our defense is still our defense, so who knows. But in Brady and Belichick I trust.

Giddy Up!

Raiders grudge match! Patriots win AGAIN!

So clearly MVP of this game was Richard Seymour, yes? He kept soo many drives alive even when Tom Brady didn't seem to be able to get anything going. Although, I swear Tommy took that false start on purpose to sucker Seymour into the roughing the passer penalty. There was just something about his eyes as the clock ran down... I dunno.

I was worried about this game... Wow, I feel like I write that every week! Fine! Fine! I'm worried about every game. There. Are you happy now? Can we move on?

The offense stuttered a bit without Hernando. Hope we get him back soon, but Ocho had a couple of catches to remind us we're still paying him an obscene amount of money. (His twitter account has gone silent since the big deuce he laid in Buffalo. Hope he's actually focusing more on football and not just using a secret account!) The defense, well, aside from big bad number 75 with his second pick of the season, was once again craptacular AND we lose Mayo to injury. It's feeling eerily less 2007 and more 2009... Like we'll limp across the finish line and be eating alive by some shit wildcard team. I hope and pray I'm wrong. And THE FUCK! Where is Haynesworth?? Why are our big blockbuster off season signings both busto, so far? Color me unhappy.

And now we face the Jets. All the twitter Patriots fans are calling this the revenge game. Bullshit. They knocked us out of the playoffs. This is nothing compared to that. Though, if the Jets lose three in a row (and I feel like they have another tough opponent next week, their season could very well be on life support...so there's that.)

But headed into Sunday, (and oh man, do I wish I could be at Foxboro!) I remain, as ever, worried about this game.

That game gave me AIDS

Okay, that's probably offensive... or something. But no one reads this blog, right? So I'm good.

Sigh.

Losing to the Bills in week 3, probably shouldn't be the worst thing in the world. But...

1. I hate when the Patriots lose. Fuck, I hate when the Patriots barely win, but when the Riots lose, reality collapses on itself and I take to my couch for weeks on end, eating stray Cheerios off the floor and drinking wine by the box. It's not a pretty sight.

2. I hate when the Patriots lose games to teams they should trounce. Now, to be fair, I'm not sure that the 3-0 (fuck my life) Bills actually fall into that category, but given that we've beaten those jackholes (the twitter/social media reaction from Bills fans has been borderline disgusting. I can't wait till the inevitable Buffalo collapse now. They deserve every bit of whatever's coming.) 15/16 games in a row, I would have said advantage Brady. Le sigh.

3. Tom Brady had the worst regular season game of his life... I dunno if that's true or not, but it sure as hell felt that way in the second half. And yes, I fucking blame Ocho Cinco and want to rip his heart out of his body via his throat, but my Tommy just couldn't close the deal... Jaysus, two picks within Buffalo's 20? FROM TOM MOTHER FUCKING BRADY? HELL NAW! Actually, I suppose this could be the good news. An epic meltdown by Number 12 and we only lose by 3? Mmm...nope, still feels like AIDS.

4. I did everything in power to secure victory for New England... seriously, EVERYTHING, and instead, I manage to come up with my first sports bet win of my life. *Awesome* One of my Patriots tweeps did remind me that the last time the Patriots lost to the Bills we won the Superbowl, so...there's that?

Blah. So, we're all looking up at the undefeated Bills who lead the AFC East (sanks GAWD the fucking Jests lost in Oakland) and the Bills play the Bengals next week, so let's just accept that they're 4-0. The Patriots face a tough Oakland team. They fucked Sanchez up today, I mean, ugly. So, I dunno. Hopefully Tommy will be out for blood...I can't remember our last back to back losses...oh, maybe '09? That season sucked it. But I dunno...this could be bad...at least the Jests face the Ravens, so they should lose again.

So, yup, week 3 blew and week 4 looks bleak.

AIDS.

The Patriots win TWO!

I can't lie. I was worried about this game. The Rivers hype started to get to me. People on twitter were sending notes about the offensive onslaught from Rivers and Jackson and Gates. The Patriots defense struggled against a silly Dolphins offense last week AND we lost in week two last year... to the vomitous New Jersey Jets. So, yeah, worried.

The stupid Bills/Oakland game went over and so I missed the first eight minutes of the home opener, but the game came on just in time for me to see Brady draw first blood with a puhrty touchdown pass to Hernandez. A member of Patriots nation on twitter said that he wants to start calling this the "Blitzkrieg offense." Fast, precise, deadly. We were all ready to bash in the Chargers faces if they faked one more BS injury to break up the Riots momentum. Things were looking good early, then the defense gave up a touchdown to Rivers and the worry was back.

HEY, speaking of worries... did anyone see Ocho show up yesterday! Very briefly, more like a pop in, but still nice catch to move us closer to pay dirt!

Oh, and watching Tom Brady both run for the first down was hysterical! Oh sweetie, you're just not that kind of quarterback! But I still luh you. Patriots take the lead again off Gostkowski's foot and I cover my face with my hands as the defense comes out to face Rivers again.

The Patriots D did what they always do (or fail to do...Jesus, can someone confirm that they understand there are *FOUR* downs and you can't just chillax on third?) but then, OMG. River is in the redzone, Chargers look like they're about to take the first lead of the game...I can't watch... stopped. Second and goal! STOPPED AGAIN. THIRD AND GOAL. Rivers tries to run it in: DEEENIIIEEDD!!!

OH MY GOSH! OH MY GOSH! OH MY GOSH!!

FOURTH AND INCHES at the goal line, THE CHARGERS GO FOR IT.

I want to vomit...I CAN'T...

THE DEFENSE HOLDS THEM!!! OH. MY. FUCKING. LORD!!!

Tom Brady does what he does BESTEST, march down the full length of the field for a touchdown. GRONKED!

Suddenly, I can't remember what I was so worried about. I was at Qualcomm for last year's Patriots/Chargers match up and even though the Riots (I hate the nickname "Pats") played poorly, the Chargers managed to play WORSE. I mean awful penalties and even worse throws...blech. Phil Rivers might be the most overhyped quarterback in the league...well, or maybe tied with Matt Ryan. When your stupid ass is getting intercepted by our *nose tackle* you need to sit all the way down and fall ALL the way back. The big man looked almost spry bumbling down the sidelines! (Ooh, and how dirty were those two Brady to Branch passes to get Gostkowski 20 yards closer! I MEAN HONESTLY, NO RESPECT FOR THE CHARGERS DEFENSE!) When I saw the tribute to Myra Kraft at the half and the fact that they were dedicating this game to the memory of the team's matriarch, I knew the Chargers were done for.

My friends from LA were visiting New York and decided to come over to see the late games with me (they had tickets to watch the Jets pick apart the Jaguars.) Transit decided not to run any trains to Brooklyn, so I had to pause the game to go fetch them.

I had actually seen last year's Patriots/Chargers game with my visitors, so we decided it was now an annual tradition to watch the Patriots spank the Chargers at football.

When we returned the score was still 20- 7, but again the defense kept letting Rivers convert third down and third down. Chargers score. I pout.


Brady stalls out. The PATRIOTS GO FOR IT ON FOURTH! Crippling flashbacks of that offing Colts game from two years ago...they can't convert. Turnover on downs and Chargers have amazing field position. I want to cry. The stupid announcers are all "blah blah I would never have done that blah blah blah." Before they can even finish their thought....FUMBLE! PATRIOTS RECOVER THE BALL! HAHAHAHAHAH

SUCK IT! The big Rivers fans from just a few days ago are getting salty about all my "Philip Rivers sucks," tweets. I laugh even harder.

Patriots score, they go for two AND get it! I'm couch dancing like nobody's business. Patriots go up 2-0. I exhale.

The defense still needs to get better. Like, Belichick should dock their pay $50,000 for every third down they give up, Ridley didn't look so great in a real game, and Ocho still has a ways to go...I still doubt that he finishes out the season.

My love of Deion Branch continues to grow and grow...may be time to buy me a number 84 jersey. I hope he retires as a Patriot.

My men on our the road next week against the Bills. My former friends from Buffalo are already sending me ratchet trash texts and tweets.

Mmmhmm. I'm not saying anything. I'll leave it up to Tom Brady to respond. Give him five minutes.