Wide Right

SWEEP!

2011-11-14T15:01:00.000-08:00

Um. I can't believe it. Like, at all. All season I've been waiting for that game that I can save on my DVR and watch over and over again -- last year it was the Jets at New England regular season game, obviously. For a little while thsi year, it was the San Diego at New England one, but besides watching Wilfork pick off Rivers, it was kind of an ordinary game.

Heck, New England very suddenly became an ordinary team. I didn't like it, but on Sunday I embraced it -- completely. I hashtagged all my game day tweets "underdogs." I had my alcohol consumption action plan in place and then... nothing. Nick Folk did what Nick Folk does and the Jets' opening drive ended in zip. New England responded with back to back field goals and then a safety. I still don't know why if the other team gets the points, they also get the ball. RUDE.

Then, finally, Sanchez put together a drive that resulted in the two fisted wine drinking when he rushed into the endzone for a touchdown, BUT, not before he called a timeout, leaving enough time on the clock for Tom Brady to respond with a New England touchdown of his own.

Rex Ryan promptly threw Sanchez under the bus, rather melodramatically calling the ill-advised time out "the worst play in football." Come on. That isn't even the worst Sanchez play in football. Jeebus. If the pretty boy Sanchize wasn't such a dick, I'd feel sorry for the kid.

But he is, so I don't. Fuck the Jets.

And then the second half started. New England very notoriously disappears in second halfs against the Jets -- NOT SO this time around. Another touchdown, another field goal. The offense looked like it was clicking again, but more importantly, the defense was...um... defending. ANDRE CARTER WITH A BEASTLIKE 4.5 SACKS! NINKOVICH WITH TWO PICKS, INCLUDING A PICK SIX!

Football was fun again! I wasn't even talking any smack -- I was reverse talking smack and it was oh, so much more fun! I think I just about made F-train's head asplode with my "Jets are a fourth quarter team, your guys will probably win this." LOL.

I dunno, maybe, I half believed it...though, when I decided to bench the Jets D, I knew my heart was all-in on the New England sweep. Of course, no one can just be happy with the win, already the announcers are jinxing us with "oh, their schedule is really easy, I'm sure they'll win all the rest of their games this season," talk. I hate the announcers so much.

We face Kansas City at home next week. I thought it would be the return of the prodigal son, Matt Cassel, but seems like he's injured and we're getting some back-up KC QB. Hopefully, we can begin our streak of home wins anew. But the Jets game took an injury toll... McCourty, being the most notable. Stupid self inflicted helmet to helmet. *Shakes fist at (looks it up) Moore*

But all those concerns are for another day, I'm going to enjoy sweeping the Jets for at least another four days. Well, first I'm going to get some sleep AND THEN I'm going to enjoy sweeping the Jets for another three days.

I hate the Jets sooo much.

This. Is. Sparta

2011-11-11T04:39:00.000-08:00

"You don't have a football blog, you have a Patriots blog. Actually, you have a 'when the Patriots are winning blog.'" - Ugarles

LOL. Ugarles is the speaker of three of the top ten funniest things I've ever heard and that sentence is number 9 because it's totally true, yet hilarious.

Indeed, I've missed two weeks of the season and curiously enough, the Patriots lost both those games. In my defense, I missed the Pittsburgh game for personal reasons - my first missed Patriots game in five years, so I kinda blamed myself for the loss and geared up in full Riots regalia for the Giants game...we still lost...le sigh.

So here we are. Haynesworth? Cut. Bodden? Cut. Ochocinco? Missing in Action. Tom Love of My Life Brady? Getting benched in favor of Tim TEBOW.

Things look bleak. I do not believe we will win this game against the dreaded Jets on Sunday, I do not believe we will make the playoffs this year. That "rebuilding season" everyone's been talking about for the last three years? Yup. It's here. It's ugly. And I hate its stupid stupid face. But I suppose it's necessary, so, we've gone from redemption season to THE PATRIOTS LAST STAND.

Ever see 300? THAT.

What's left of our injury decimated squad will roll into New Jersey on Sunday night and face one of the toughest defenses in the league. Whatever happens, we will stand strong for as long as we can, until we are destroyed. Hopefully, we will take some of those fuckers down with us. And in that vein, if my boys face most certain death, they will not face it alone. I have invented the best ever 300 Patriots v. Jets drinking game:

One shot for every Patriots fumble.
Two shots for every Tom Brady interception.
Three shots for every Tom Brady Pick Six.
A glass of wine for every Sanchez Touchdown Pass.
Two glasses of wine for every Sanchez rushing touchdown.
Drink 8 oz. of water for every Sanchez interception.
Eat something for every Tom Brady Touchdown Pass.
If that pass is to Ocho Cinco, book trip to Disneyland.
Get a 90 minute Swedish massage for every Tom Brady rushing Touchdown.

This. Is. Sparta.

Someone come collect my body on Monday.

Oops, I crapped my pants

2011-10-17T15:31:00.001-07:00

The entire left side of my head turned completely grey during the third quarter of this game.

I curse the name of Rob Ryan, though I don't know why I blamed him when the Patriots seemed to be imploding all on their own. Two more Tom Brady interceptions. Slater fumbles AND we turn it over to Dallas on the 30. Hernando turns it over in the redzone for the second consecutive game???

I was in the fetal position on my couch sucking my thumb and staring into the abyss of two more weeks of looking up at the Bills in the AFC East AND being forced to watch replays of Brady's interceptions. Oy. But there was hope right? We got the ball back with 10 minutes left! Punt. Ball back with 5 minutes left! Punt.
I want to die. Nothing is fair. Cowboys fans are filling up my mentions on twitter. I pray and pray for Romo to do something stupid.

Pleeeeaassseee!
Time marches on. Less than two minutes left.

I've given up. Huh. First down? Okay.

First down.

I feel hope creeping into my body...

First down. We're in Dallas territory.

Less than a minute left. At the thirty now... Gostkowski can tie it. First OT of the season... New England time out.

I can't. I just can't...

They're back... Brady scrambles around in the pocket... Looking...looking... Oh, God... He lets it rip.

The ball slams in Hernandez' chest, he falls backwards to the ground in the endzone. I wait for the anvil to drop on my head. Ball squirts out, his hair is out of bounds, Ocho called for holding on the sidelines. Something?

Nope. Touchdown. Extra point is good. Riots up by four with 22 seconds on the clock.

I am paralyzed with fear.

Kick off returned for TD? Tony Romo hail mary pass for a... Hahahaha okay, I never seriously contemplated Romo winning this for the Cowboys, I was despondent, not lobotomized. Clock winds to zero. The Cowboys don't score again.

Patriots win. I stare at the TV in disbelief.

It's one of those classic lose/lose scenarios. Patriots fans feel cheated because we should have crushed those circus clowns, not eeked out a last minute win. Dallas fans feel dejected because they lost.

Nobody's happy.

Well, except the Patriots fans who, after a few shots realize that the Giants' early game win over the Bills, coupled with Brady's heroics means the Riots go into the bye week in first! And by "Patriots fans" I mean me.

First place team says: KEEP.CALM. AND BRADY ON!

The Home Stand

2011-10-13T04:33:00.000-07:00

My boys in blue were back at Foxboro this week to face the New Jersey Jets (yeah, I said it.) they were wearing their "Boston Patriots" throwback jerseys and the Bruins were spilling dirty water on our field, but the New England Patriots were home again.

I was feeling queasy. The Jets had lost two in a row, including a hilarious three stooges homage courtesy of Sanchez (and Flacco's really) performance in the Jets/ Ravens matchup. Plus, the entire Jets squad seems to have a super hard-on for Tom Brady (and who can blame them) so I figured this was going to be a tough game.

Sure enough, it was the first game where Officer Tom and his awesome brigade did not score on their opening drive. We had to wait till the second one for the first Law Firm touchdown! I love that guy. He is SO unassuming, yet pretty fucking great. I cannot believe he's never fumbled in his whole career. Yes, I can say that now because he isn't on the field. When the announcers kept saying that during the game, I wanted to slit their throats. Anyone remember how they kept blah blah blahing about Brady not having been sacked and then BAM, down the Raiders take him? Grrr.

Up 10-0, I was still nervous about losing (I HATE LOSING. I SUPER MEGA HATE LOSING TO THE JETS.) Another Lawfirm penetration and I was breathing easier, heck, as the clock wound down and TFB was marching to the endzone to close the half, I was all "I'M NOT EATING TILL THE PATRIOTS SCORE AGAIN!" And laughing and...and... then that wretched Hernandez deflection to Cromartie IN THE ENDZONE? BLASTED!

At least it wasn't a pick six.

AND THEN BRANCH FUMBLES?? (And seriously, totally a fumble, we got MAD lucky on that one)

I didn't breathe for the rest of the game, not till I safely and soundly say the Gostkowski kick sail through sending us up by more than two possessions... though, those fuckers could have scored a touchdown and a two point conversion to send it to overtime...but that didn't happen! A win! A sloppy, penalty filled, heart attack triggering win, but a win nonetheless.

Now, the Cowboys come to town. I'm not as nervous about this game as I was about the last two, but the Cowboys are coming off a bye... Dez and Miles are back, our defense is still our defense, so who knows. But in Brady and Belichick I trust.

Giddy Up!

Raiders grudge match! Patriots win AGAIN!

2011-10-08T11:37:00.000-07:00

So clearly MVP of this game was Richard Seymour, yes? He kept soo many drives alive even when Tom Brady didn't seem to be able to get anything going. Although, I swear Tommy took that false start on purpose to sucker Seymour into the roughing the passer penalty. There was just something about his eyes as the clock ran down... I dunno.

I was worried about this game... Wow, I feel like I write that every week! Fine! Fine! I'm worried about every game. There. Are you happy now? Can we move on?

The offense stuttered a bit without Hernando. Hope we get him back soon, but Ocho had a couple of catches to remind us we're still paying him an obscene amount of money. (His twitter account has gone silent since the big deuce he laid in Buffalo. Hope he's actually focusing more on football and not just using a secret account!) The defense, well, aside from big bad number 75 with his second pick of the season, was once again craptacular AND we lose Mayo to injury. It's feeling eerily less 2007 and more 2009... Like we'll limp across the finish line and be eating alive by some shit wildcard team. I hope and pray I'm wrong. And THE FUCK! Where is Haynesworth?? Why are our big blockbuster off season signings both busto, so far? Color me unhappy.

And now we face the Jets. All the twitter Patriots fans are calling this the revenge game. Bullshit. They knocked us out of the playoffs. This is nothing compared to that. Though, if the Jets lose three in a row (and I feel like they have another tough opponent next week, their season could very well be on life support...so there's that.)

But headed into Sunday, (and oh man, do I wish I could be at Foxboro!) I remain, as ever, worried about this game.

That game gave me AIDS

2011-09-25T16:25:00.001-07:00

Okay, that's probably offensive... or something. But no one reads this blog, right? So I'm good.

Sigh.

Losing to the Bills in week 3, probably shouldn't be the worst thing in the world. But...

1. I hate when the Patriots lose. Fuck, I hate when the Patriots barely win, but when the Riots lose, reality collapses on itself and I take to my couch for weeks on end, eating stray Cheerios off the floor and drinking wine by the box. It's not a pretty sight.

2. I hate when the Patriots lose games to teams they should trounce. Now, to be fair, I'm not sure that the 3-0 (fuck my life) Bills actually fall into that category, but given that we've beaten those jackholes (the twitter/social media reaction from Bills fans has been borderline disgusting. I can't wait till the inevitable Buffalo collapse now. They deserve every bit of whatever's coming.) 15/16 games in a row, I would have said advantage Brady. Le sigh.

3. Tom Brady had the worst regular season game of his life... I dunno if that's true or not, but it sure as hell felt that way in the second half. And yes, I fucking blame Ocho Cinco and want to rip his heart out of his body via his throat, but my Tommy just couldn't close the deal... Jaysus, two picks within Buffalo's 20? FROM TOM MOTHER FUCKING BRADY? HELL NAW! Actually, I suppose this could be the good news. An epic meltdown by Number 12 and we only lose by 3? Mmm...nope, still feels like AIDS.

4. I did everything in power to secure victory for New England... seriously, EVERYTHING, and instead, I manage to come up with my first sports bet win of my life. *Awesome* One of my Patriots tweeps did remind me that the last time the Patriots lost to the Bills we won the Superbowl, so...there's that?

Blah. So, we're all looking up at the undefeated Bills who lead the AFC East (sanks GAWD the fucking Jests lost in Oakland) and the Bills play the Bengals next week, so let's just accept that they're 4-0. The Patriots face a tough Oakland team. They fucked Sanchez up today, I mean, ugly. So, I dunno. Hopefully Tommy will be out for blood...I can't remember our last back to back losses...oh, maybe '09? That season sucked it. But I dunno...this could be bad...at least the Jests face the Ravens, so they should lose again.

So, yup, week 3 blew and week 4 looks bleak.

AIDS.

The Patriots win TWO!

2011-09-19T05:22:00.000-07:00

I can't lie. I was worried about this game. The Rivers hype started to get to me. People on twitter were sending notes about the offensive onslaught from Rivers and Jackson and Gates. The Patriots defense struggled against a silly Dolphins offense last week AND we lost in week two last year... to the vomitous New Jersey Jets. So, yeah, worried.

The stupid Bills/Oakland game went over and so I missed the first eight minutes of the home opener, but the game came on just in time for me to see Brady draw first blood with a puhrty touchdown pass to Hernandez. A member of Patriots nation on twitter said that he wants to start calling this the "Blitzkrieg offense." Fast, precise, deadly. We were all ready to bash in the Chargers faces if they faked one more BS injury to break up the Riots momentum. Things were looking good early, then the defense gave up a touchdown to Rivers and the worry was back.

HEY, speaking of worries... did anyone see Ocho show up yesterday! Very briefly, more like a pop in, but still nice catch to move us closer to pay dirt!

Oh, and watching Tom Brady both run for the first down was hysterical! Oh sweetie, you're just not that kind of quarterback! But I still luh you. Patriots take the lead again off Gostkowski's foot and I cover my face with my hands as the defense comes out to face Rivers again.

The Patriots D did what they always do (or fail to do...Jesus, can someone confirm that they understand there are *FOUR* downs and you can't just chillax on third?) but then, OMG. River is in the redzone, Chargers look like they're about to take the first lead of the game...I can't watch... stopped. Second and goal! STOPPED AGAIN. THIRD AND GOAL. Rivers tries to run it in: DEEENIIIEEDD!!!

OH MY GOSH! OH MY GOSH! OH MY GOSH!!

FOURTH AND INCHES at the goal line, THE CHARGERS GO FOR IT.

I want to vomit...I CAN'T...

THE DEFENSE HOLDS THEM!!! OH. MY. FUCKING. LORD!!!

Tom Brady does what he does BESTEST, march down the full length of the field for a touchdown. GRONKED!

Suddenly, I can't remember what I was so worried about. I was at Qualcomm for last year's Patriots/Chargers match up and even though the Riots (I hate the nickname "Pats") played poorly, the Chargers managed to play WORSE. I mean awful penalties and even worse throws...blech. Phil Rivers might be the most overhyped quarterback in the league...well, or maybe tied with Matt Ryan. When your stupid ass is getting intercepted by our *nose tackle* you need to sit all the way down and fall ALL the way back. The big man looked almost spry bumbling down the sidelines! (Ooh, and how dirty were those two Brady to Branch passes to get Gostkowski 20 yards closer! I MEAN HONESTLY, NO RESPECT FOR THE CHARGERS DEFENSE!) When I saw the tribute to Myra Kraft at the half and the fact that they were dedicating this game to the memory of the team's matriarch, I knew the Chargers were done for.

My friends from LA were visiting New York and decided to come over to see the late games with me (they had tickets to watch the Jets pick apart the Jaguars.) Transit decided not to run any trains to Brooklyn, so I had to pause the game to go fetch them.

I had actually seen last year's Patriots/Chargers game with my visitors, so we decided it was now an annual tradition to watch the Patriots spank the Chargers at football.

When we returned the score was still 20- 7, but again the defense kept letting Rivers convert third down and third down. Chargers score. I pout.

Brady stalls out. The PATRIOTS GO FOR IT ON FOURTH! Crippling flashbacks of that offing Colts game from two years ago...they can't convert. Turnover on downs and Chargers have amazing field position. I want to cry. The stupid announcers are all "blah blah I would never have done that blah blah blah." Before they can even finish their thought....FUMBLE! PATRIOTS RECOVER THE BALL! HAHAHAHAHAH

SUCK IT! The big Rivers fans from just a few days ago are getting salty about all my "Philip Rivers sucks," tweets. I laugh even harder.

Patriots score, they go for two AND get it! I'm couch dancing like nobody's business. Patriots go up 2-0. I exhale.

The defense still needs to get better. Like, Belichick should dock their pay $50,000 for every third down they give up, Ridley didn't look so great in a real game, and Ocho still has a ways to go...I still doubt that he finishes out the season.

My love of Deion Branch continues to grow and grow...may be time to buy me a number 84 jersey. I hope he retires as a Patriot.

My men on our the road next week against the Bills. My former friends from Buffalo are already sending me ratchet trash texts and tweets.

Mmmhmm. I'm not saying anything. I'll leave it up to Tom Brady to respond. Give him five minutes.

WON AND OHHH YYEEEAAAHHHH

2011-09-13T13:40:00.001-07:00

I had SO many favorite moments from last night's game! OH GOSH did I miss football!

So, yeah Hernandez made it rain in the end zone, Welker made the Dolphins eat his dust (see above), Solder man-effing-handled that Wake dude, but one name I haven't heard much today was Deion Branch! And how amazing was HE LAST NIGHT? I know the Dolphins ended up scoring anyway, but his tackle after the dude picked off Brady WAS EPIC! Branch is ALL HEART! And on top of that, he was catching passes ALL OVER the face of that Dolphin corner! Soo so so good.

I love this offense. I love them from the tippy top of Gronkowski's head (the good one, not the one that starts all false and leads Tom Brady to throw his first interception in two damn hell as years...GRRR) to the bottom of Woodhead's itty bitty teeny tiny feet. Can we trade Ocho to the Vikings for a third round pick in 2013 and hire back Randy Moss for a twenty-five dollars? Can we? Can we? Actually, my opponent had Ocho last night, so I can only hope that his sucktacular outing was simply because he knew that any big catches or touchdowns would doom my inaugural fantasy week.

Similarly...

I can only assume that the defense knew I had Brandon Marshall on my team, so that's why McCourty let him have a 100+ yards game. UGH. What is UP with our defense? Henne basically walked the ball into the end zone and they just should there, mouths agape, going "hey, quarterbacks can DO that?" YES! MOTHERFUCKERS! NOW PUT HIS ASS ON THE GROUND!

They seemed to get better for the second and third quarters, but they need to start stronger AND finish stronger. If we've got Henne passing for 400 yards on us, what the hell is RIVER GONNA DO?? *Shudders.*

OH, and in my fantasy footnote, after Marshall's performance, and despite Gostkowski's shank, I went into the last game of the week with a 16 point lead and my opponent only having Janikowski left. I nearly had a fucking coronary as he ALONE scored 13 points in the first half! DAMN HELL AS SUCKING ASS BRONCOS! But I ended up hanging on for the win by like slightly less than 3 points.

I now lead the league, like the Patriots lead their division!

OOO-RAH!

Redemption Season

2011-09-12T13:52:00.001-07:00

My BFF on Sundays, Mondays and alternating Wednesdays -- @thisisnotapril-- , sent me this as a birthday gift:

I have been rocking the bracelet nonstop and have a plan to put a fingernail tattoo on a finger for each Patriots regular season win... although, with showering, that may not be the best idea...I'm putting a pin in it.

Here we are... 2011. The schedule features the NFC East teams...does anyone remember the last time we played the NFC East teams...yup...2007...that season.

That oh-so-fucking-close-to-shutting-the-72-Dolphins-the-fuck-up-FOREVER-season. Sigh.

So yes, when I saw the schedule, I immediately dubbed this the "Redemption Season." Where the 2011 Patriots return to finish the job the 2007 Patriots started. A Giants fan in my office laughed at me every day for a week after I said this out loud. Then she started writing football appropriate lyrics to Bob Marley's "Redemption Song," and humming it whenever she saw me in the break room. My project with her ended last week, but I wish I could have seen her humming ass face yesterday afternoon after the Redskins went all whack-a-mole on Eli.

But, I digress. This post is about the Patriots and my hopes (without being tainted by the results of tonight's Dolphins game.)

I did not like what I saw in Detroit last month or whenever that debacle was... as Fitzy so cleverly put it, the Lions fed our boys a nut sack sandwich AND NOBODY LIKES A NUT SACE SANDWICH!

All my friends kept saying "ah, don't worry, it's preseason." But they weren't watching -- our starters WERE OUT THERE PLAYING. FOR REALSIES. AND STILL LOSING. Mankins took a punch to the face for chrissakes. They weren't playing "preseason football," they were playing football football and couldn't get a damn thing going. AGAINST THE LIONS. (I know, I know they're good this year, but still...that team is supposed to be our fun house mirror image, not dominating us on the gridiron.)

I liked the off season addition of Haynesworth (though, why is he ALWAYS out with some random ailment or court appearance??) I was NOT a fan of the Ochocinco addition...my prediction is that sideshow will be leaving town before the season ends. (Plus, my opponent in fantasy has him tonight and I'm down by 3 points, so I'm hoping for a big fat Ocho goose egg.)

I love our two headed tight end monster and Welker obviously...but if the Offensive line is going to be choking on nut sacks all year long... the Patriots are going to lose games. Tom Brady can't throw touchdowns from the ground... well, he can, but not enough to string together another perfect season.

The Ravens look terrifyingly good on both defense AND offense. The Jets look good on defense and practically Sanchez-riffic on offense. (Please note: any adjective which begins with "Sanchez" on Wide Right is pejorative. #noraces - Management.) The Bills strung together three lights out quarters of football on Sunday and hell, even I picked up Brandon Marshall after watching some of the Miami preseason games. There are no gimmees this year. League parity blah blah blah.

But I love my boys: Brady, Wilfork, Mankins, Branch, Welker, McCourty...wheeeee! I fear and respect our coach above all things, I prayed extra super hard on Sunday for another Patriots championship, so we'll see what we see. I'm also putting bets on the Ravens and the Jets to win the AFC championship and the Eagles or Green Bay to win the Superbowl for extra good coloring measure.

I'm ready for tonight and hope we squish the fish so bad, their stadium looks like "The Cove."

Lombardi FOUR.... REDEMPTION SEASON ACTIVATE!

Fantasy Football is back!

2011-09-11T17:38:00.000-07:00

F-train likes to say "no one cares about your fantasy football team but you." F-train is a jerk face!

I've been playing fantasy football for something like 12 years now. It has been eight years since I won and I STILL try to draft Daunte Culpepper EVERY year in the hopes of repeating. I found this hilarious roster of my 2005 team...like I drafted these people *ON PURPOSE*

CAN WE REPEAT?
Saturday, September 10th, 2005 by Dawn Summers
CAN WE REPEAT?

2005 ECB RAMS

QB D. Culpepper (Min – QB)

WR H. Ward (Pit – WR)

WR C. Chambers (Mia – WR)

RB C. Martin (NYJ – RB)

RB J. Lewis (Bal – RB)

TE A. Crumpler (Atl – TE)

W/T P. Burress

K Vanderjact

Def Buffalo Bills

BILLS DEFENSE??? REALLY?? *Head desk*

This is the result from the year before:

1st round: Jamal Lewis, RB, Baltimore.
2nd round: Daunte Culpepper, QB, Minnesota
3rd round: Brian Westbrook, RB, Philadelphia*
4th round: Michael Bennett, RB, Minnesota (proof positive that some people NEVER learn)
5th round: Peerless Price, WR, Hotlanta
6th round: Curtis Martin, RB, Jets
(Sorry, Dawn he was taken in the third round by another team.)
Oops.
6th round: Anquan Boldin, WR, Arizona
(Actually, Dawn, it’s not your turn.)
Oh, my bad.
6th round (take three): Amani Toomer, WR, New York
7th round: Boo Williams, TE, New Orleans
8th round: Mike Vanderjagt, K, Indianapolis
9th round: Philadelphia Defense
10th round: Amani “it’s not a” Toomer, WR, New York
(Dawn, he was taken in the sixth round.)
(Dude, Dawn, YOU took him in the sixth round.)
Oh, right. My bad again.
10th round: Clinton Portis, RB, Washington.
(That’s it, Summers. You’re banned, banned from Fantasy Football forever. Portis was taken in the first round by another team.)
Oh, um…well, at least I didn’t pick him.
12 hours later…
10th round (take three): Eddie George, RB, Dallas
11th round: Brandon Lloyd, WR, San Francisco*
12th round: Jeff Garcia, QB, San Francisco
13th round: Muhsin Muhammad, WR, Carolina
14th round: Josh Reed, WR, Buffalo
15th round: Chester Taylor, RB, Baltimore Ravens

And that’s the squad.
So far Bennett’s been injured, Vanderjagt’s missed his first field goal in more than a year and a friend of mine playing Fantasy in another league said he had to rethink his whole team because he had picked one of the same backs that I did and figured he must have done something wrong.

SEE? I pick the first available Daunte Culpepper EVERY TIME! I've gotten a lot better at fantasy football in recent years. I think I had the best draft of MY LIFE this year. I'm in two leagues. One with Clareiverse foes like F-train, VinNay and Alceste and another led by poker foe Unimpressed. Here are the results:

Alceste League:

QB
Matt Schaub
(Hou - QB)
WR
Mike Wallace
(Pit - WR)
WR
Brandon Marshall
(Mia - WR)
RB
Ray Rice
(Bal - RB)

RB
Maurice Jones-Drew
(Jac - RB)

TE
Dustin Keller
(NYJ - TE)
W/T
Greg Olsen
(Car - TE)

BN
Mike Williams
(TB - WR)

Cedric Benson
(Cin - RB)

Matt Ryan
(Atl - QB)

Willis McGahee
(Den - RB)

BN
James Starks
(GB - RB)

Danny Woodhead
(NE - RB)

Gostkowski: Kicker
Jets: Defense

F-train mocked my picks of Benson and the Jets D in the eighth round. However, he drafted a QB with his first pick and a Tight End with his third pick, so he can bite me.

Unimpressed League:

QB
Michael Vick
(Phi - QB)

WR
Mike Wallace
(Pit - WR)

WR
Mike Williams
(TB - WR)

RB
Cedric Benson
(Cin - RB)

RB
Knowshon Moreno

TE
Antonio Gates
(SD - TE)

Jeremy Maclin
(Phi - WR)

Arian Foster
(Hou - RB)Q

Ben Roethlisberger
(Pit - QB)

Julio Jones
(Atl - WR)

Ben Tate
(Hou - RB)

James Starks
(GB - RB)

Darren Sproles
(NO - RB)

Brent Celek
(Phi - TE)

Janikowski - Kicker
New Orleans - Defense

I have declared this team "sick"! My friend, Dr. Shady disagrees and kept trying to get me to trade Vick for some other RB and use Big Ben as my starter. When Foster went down to injury even before the damn season started, I began to worry that he was right. Of course, after Vick lit it up on Sunday and Big Ben sucked it like it was hot...I remembered that ain't no way a Yankees/Jets fan could EVER be right.

My strategy this year was simple: One awesome sauce running back, then receivers, receivers, receivers...but oh, if Michael Vick falls to me in the third round, okay. Also, since I have a history of watching my fantasy teams crumble, I also decided to cooler the Jets by picking their defense and Sanchez' favorite tight end target. I also did not pick any Patriots. Well, except for Gostkowski and Woodhead. The first because I've had him for three years straight and the latter because he's too little and needs to not be a starter for us anymore. It was cute last year because it was like "fuck you Jets." But we lost the Divisional round (sob) and I think we need to just focus on awesome...like say...Stevan Ridley! Holla!

Looking forward to Monday Night football, obviously!

I'm currently behind in the Alceste league, my opponent had Brees, who actually decided to show up this year, unlike last year when I had him. Ditto for Beanie Wells and Jabar Gaffney: em effers! I need big nights from Keller and the Jets D...but it's not looking good. I'm ahead in the other league.

Now, onward to Monday Night football! I'll try to get my Patriots season post up this afternoon...gotta say I still have nightmares about that fucking Detroit pre season game...and not just because a hurricane was barrelling toward my high rise, window covered apartment.

Quote of the Day

2010-09-27T09:37:00.000-07:00

Vinnay (NO LINK. LINKS ARE FOR BLOGGERS.) doesn't think my wearing a Patriots jersey to the Jets/Bills game at the Ralph next week is such a good idea:

"Rich people in Buffalo go to Sabres games. Blue collar drunkards go to Bills games. Even if you got lucky and found a rich guy to beat you senseless, the cops would look the other way once they saw the Pats jersey."

Tom Brady signs extension!

2010-09-10T07:08:00.000-07:00

GO PATRIOTS!

Ray Lewis to Rex Ryan: Imma MURDER YOU

2010-09-10T07:05:00.000-07:00

What? Too soon?

via Gerard

Fantasy Football: Part Deux

2010-09-07T11:48:00.000-07:00

Okay, draft in my primary fantasy league is finally over! Every year I doubt we'll make it, every year we get it in under the wire. Just.

I'm actually pretty proud of myself this year, usually I pick one or two and then make Alceste pick the rest, but I actually picked my whole squad this year. The only pick I'm not so jazzed about is Felix Jones, it was a rushed pick and I regretted it almost immediately, but whatever, here's my squad:

QB Drew Brees
(NO - QB)
WR Randy Moss
(NE - WR)
WR Greg Jennings
(GB - WR)
RB Matt Forte
(Chi - RB)
RB Jerome Harrison
(Cle - RB)
TE Jason Witten
(Dal - TE)
W/T Jabar Gaffney
(Den - WR)
BN Beanie Wells
(Ari - RB)
BN Hakeem Nicks
(NYG - WR)
BN Felix Jones
(Dal - RB)
(SF - QB)
BN Rob Gronkowski
(NE - TE) TEW/TBN Cin Sun

K Stephen Gostkowski
(NE - K) KBN Cin Sun

DEF San Diego
(SD - DEF) DEF
BN Minnesota
(Min - DEF)

My opponent in the first week is Vinnay and he has totally gotten in my head with his all Wide receivers, all day strategy. PLUS HE GOT TOM BRADY AS HIS QB IN THE FOURTH ROUND!!!! My league is effing nuts. (Oh, and yes, that means in BOTH my leagues I'll be facing squads led by Tom Brady! I guess I'm rooting for a 9 field goal game to beat the Bengals on Sunday! Oh...but one where Tom completes 60 yard bombs to Randy Moss...Oy.)

Oh, here's Vinnay's team:

QB Jay Cutler
(Chi - QB)
WR Andre Johnson
(Hou - WR)
WR Miles Austin
(Dal - WR)
RB C.J. Spiller
(Buf - RB)
RB Tim Hightower
(Ari - RB)
TE Brent Celek
(Phi - TE)
W/T DeSean Jackson
(Phi - WR)
BN Tom Brady
(NE - QB)
BN Jermichael Finley
(GB - TE)
BN Knowshon Moreno
(Den - RB)
BN Justin Forsett
(Sea - RB)
BN Mike Williams
(TB - WR)
BN Nate Burleson
(Det - WR)
K Nate Kaeding
(SD - K) @KC Mon

DEF Green Bay
4:15 pm

Fantasy Football

2010-09-03T06:58:00.000-07:00

I'm doing two leagues this year, the first is one with my Scrabble friends. The draft was automatic (I don't know if that's the official name for it, but essentially, I had no say in who got picked. The computer just picks them for you in accordance with the draft order.) Now, I'm not calling foul play or anything, but for the second year in a row i have ended up with Cassel as my quarterback. Here's the rest of my super squad:
Fan Pts
QB Matthew Stafford
(Det - QB)
WR Calvin Johnson
(Det - WR)

WR Steve Smith
(Car - WR)
RB Shonn Greene
(NYJ - RB)
RB Jonathan Stewart
(Car - RB)
TE Tony Gonzalez
(Atl - TE)
W/R Jerome Harrison
(Cle - RB)
BN Thomas Jones
(KC - RB)

BN Kenny Britt
(Ten - WR)

BN LenDale White

BN Matt Cassel
(KC - QB) QB
K Ryan Longwell
(Min - K) KBN @NO Thu

DEF Minnesota
(Min - DEF)

I KNOW, right?? WORST Here is my opponent in week 1:

QB Tom Brady
(NE - QB)
WR Larry Fitzgerald
(Ari - WR)
WR Robert Meachem
(NO - WR)
RB Adrian Peterson
(Min - RB)
RB Matt Forte
(Chi - RB)
TE Chris Cooley
(Was - TE)
W/R Justin Forsett
(Sea - RB)
BN Santana Moss
(Was - WR)
BN Matt Ryan
(Atl - QB)
BN Darren McFadden
(Oak - RB)
BN Bernard Berrian
(Min - WR) @NO Thu

K Robbie Gould
(Chi - K) Det Sun

DEF New England
(NE - DEF) Cin Sun

Now if that ain't some racism, I don't know what is.

Why is my fantasy football league so cut throat?

2010-08-31T07:35:00.000-07:00

"I'm not picking any Patriots. I don't want to beat Dawn by having to root for Patriots" - Pi

Check me out

2010-08-27T08:34:00.001-07:00

A football post from before I knew anything about football!

Groan

2010-08-26T19:55:00.001-07:00

So, apparently you *DO* need a defense to win football games. #Gonnabealoooongseason

Is it September yet?

2010-08-23T12:11:00.000-07:00

Tom Brady hates the Jets! And their stupid TV show.

Victoria's Secret doesn't carry Saints gear

2010-08-14T20:59:00.000-07:00

Personally, I think the company is doing these male fans a huge favor. Their woman shows up wearing another team's logo on her underwear, they are well within their rights to say "You take that off, RIGHT NOW!"

You're welcome Saints fans.

Wise Wes

2010-08-06T14:19:00.000-07:00

He leaves it up to Patriot nation to trash talk the Jets, while the Patriots win the games. One at a time.

LOVE HIM!

2010-08-02T08:43:00.001-07:00

White Wes Welker moved to active roster!

BRING IT

2010-07-27T16:06:00.001-07:00

It's still hot as hell and the calendar still reads July, but damn, I'm ready for some football!

Jack Tatum is dead

2010-07-27T11:03:00.000-07:00

May Darryl Stingley's ability to walk R.I.P. now.

Happy Birthday to the Bills' Number 1 fan

2010-07-22T09:22:00.000-07:00

This post will self destruct in 11:47 minutes.

Game, Set, and shut the fuck up

2010-03-02T07:29:00.001-08:00

Conversation of the Day

2010-02-21T17:51:00.000-08:00

Me: I have a football blog during football season
Ugarles: You don't have a football blog. You have a Patriots blog. And you only have a Patriots blog when they're winning.

Quote of the Day

2010-02-10T05:39:00.000-08:00

"Yeah, we talked to Dr.Phil. And then we made a collage in our dream journals. No! You know how it is up here, people don't talk! They just move to New Orleans and jump on that B.S. Saints bandwagon. Go Pats!" - Nancy on 30 Rock

What passes for blogging these days

2010-01-12T19:04:00.001-08:00

And scene

2010-01-10T17:52:00.000-08:00

I didn't think it was possible, but I feel way worse today than I did at the end of the Patriots season in February '08. As all good fans do, I completely blame myself. I let myself be goaded into prop betting on the Patriots again causing them to lose. Not just lose, straight collapse into a dungpile in the middle of the field.
"The sun was in his eyes"! Really? Seriously? It's a huge fucking weird ass shaped brown ball. That is clearly just bad jinxy juju.
Humiliating.
The Patriots, their fans and all their families should be too ashamed to show their faces in public. They should change their names and move to far away places.
If anyone needs me, I am now Juanita Espinosa from Des Moines. Wait, is that how you spell it? I'm new to Iowa and we don't have wireless. This is Iowa, right?

Too Soon

2010-01-05T08:27:00.001-08:00

Get Well-ker Soon

2010-01-04T11:00:00.000-08:00

I live in New York and I'm extremely lazy - especially when it's 19 degrees out on my days off. This means if I can't catch the Patriot game online somewhere, I'm usually out of luck on Sunday afternoons when they don't make the national TV airing schedule. Sunday was one of those days. It was made all the worse when I heard during the Dolphins game that my Wes Welker was hurt. Hurt badly and carried off the field. I didn't have any facts yet, but I swore if that Bernard Pollard was in any way involved, it would be vaffles for him!
VAFFLES!
But as I finally saw the footage, it looks like Welker's leg just took an awkward twist. Ugh. Just one of those things. I caught the end of the game. Tom Brady throwing interceptions, our defense being all non existent, another away loss. Sigh. The Patriots have just been all too human this year, miles away from perfection. The spirit and heart of champions still pulse through them, but they're tired, hurt, old. Really, the last vestige of my magical team was Wes Welker's quick feet, his ability to be every and anywhere. If Brady could get the pass in the air, Welker would find a way to bring it down and move the chains. "He's not human!" I would cry week after week watching him do what he does in winning efforts and losing ones. But, alas, he is human. And he's hurt.
And an entire region of Patriots fans are hurt with him.

Playoff bound Pats!

2009-12-30T05:24:00.001-08:00

I haven't blogged in a spell, not that I'm not still the 452nd biggest Patriots fan in all the world! But this season I've also become a fan of the game itself! The Monday Night Packers/Vikings matchup at Lambeau was epic! I think I finally officially understand what the pocket is supposed to be after watching the Vikings offensive line protect Favre for, what felt like, hours! Watching the Saints go through defenses like a warm knife through butter was kinda hella damn impressive. However, when the Patriots are the butter and you run a Patriots fan site, well, you see the conundrum.
One of the worst moments of the season was the loss in Miami. The look on Tom Brady's face on the sidelines was heartbreaking. Sure, he was in physical pain, but the emotional toll of blowing the halftime lead, ending the game by throwing an interception, and racking up the first consecutive loss in forever, well, I wanted to give him a hug.
Then the announcer said "and with the fifth loss of the season, the Patriots fall to mediocre."
I was so sad.
And then I panicked. We play the Bills away! Jacksonville is tough! The Jets and the Dolphins are only a game behind! Articles started predicted New England wouldn't clinch the East. I believed them. I settled into "there's always next year" and began to root for more Chiefs losses since New England gets their draft picks next year. We'll get us some cornerbacks! That'll show 'em! But my boys came back. Sure, the win in Buffalo was shaky. That Buffalo recovered the damn on-side kick made my stomach turn. Oh, thank God that the Bills are ever the Bills! But Sunday, at home, against the Jags, they were running like a well freaking oiled machine of awesome! Is Wes Welker even human?? Who cares! He's ours! All ours! After the third hookup, I renamed touchdowns "Bradytomosses" Rolls right off the tongue!
As I said in the post about the Indianapolis game, I love the heart and sheer fearlessness of my team. Oh, speaking of the chickenshit, bland, lame-o Colts, I hope New England road to the Superbowl goes through Lucas. We will light their asses up and leave stupid face Manning and his coward coaching staff right where they belong come Superbowl Sunday: home watching the Pats roll to number 4 on TV!
And that's not just because I'm terrified of Rivers and San Diego. No, it's cause the Colts are bitches. Yeah, I said. And they need to be put down as such. Okay, and cause I'm terrified of San Diego.
The Patriots may not be the best team in the NFL this year. Heck, they're not even the best team in the AFC. But they have the most heart, the most experience in the post season and I'd put my squad up against any other post season squad and like our chances.
Let's go Pats, let's do it again!!

Patriots in Indiana

2009-11-14T19:44:00.000-08:00

This will be the third most delicious win of the season. After Saints and Jets, of course.
In Tully Banta-Cain and Vince Wilfork I trust!
GO RIOTS. BREAK THAT MANNING IN HALF.

Live blogging Pats-Fish

2009-11-08T10:07:00.001-08:00

Did you hear the screams of agony? Then you know, Brady was just intercepted.
Oy.
We have them at 3rd and 10 and let them get a first down? Ugh. Where's that snowstorm I ordered?
YEEEEAAHHHHH, BUUDDDYYY! TOUCHDOWN NEW ENGLAND!
Lemon. Live by the Tuck rule, die by the Tuck rule.
Well, my mother went and ruined my whole liveblogging attempt. I barely got to watch the game on DVR delay by the time it ended...but WHEW!!
As the guy from the Patridge Family said: "what was I so afraid of!"
I loved how Brady kept letting Moss make up for getting beat for the INT on New England's first drive. That's love between those two!
Oh, and I'm totally feeling the ACHT-CHUNG chants!
And according to Patriots Insider, the Scorboard put up Joey Porter's stats after the game: ZERO TACKLES, ZERO SACKS. Which sounds about right for a big fat ZERO!
Not in our house.
Back to South New York for you looooo-zers.

Guts and Glory

2009-11-07T11:00:00.000-08:00

This post belongs on either my poker blog or my football blog. However, I make poor decisions, as you are about to see. Plus, I like to take my once a year shot at making a convert to poker and football out of Kaz, Tae and pearatty.
So, here we go. Hey! Stop that stopping reading. I see you.
Last night I was in a deepstack tournament in Atlantic City playing for a $14,000 first place prize. I had been catching cards AND playing well. Through nine hours, I amassed a fairly large amount of chips. I was winning at least two hands an orbit and doubling my stack every hour. This is how you win tournaments. However, even after 9 hours, there were still 60 people out of 260 left and we were 30 eliminations from making any money at all.
And then the Patriots game started. My poker concentration plummeted. But that's another story. This is the pertinent story: I am in the small blind (one of two forced bet positions.) Five people limp to me, so for a discount and a huge pot, I complete and match the Big Blind bet with T8.
The first of five community cards, the flop, are TdTh5d. I have trips, a really good hand, but a third diamond could hit at any minute and well, too bad for my trips. I am also the first to act, so I check: deferring my decision until I see what everyone else does. One guy puts out the minimum bet and everyone, except me, folds, I raise him huge. He thinks so long that I get to see the Patriots intercept Peyton Manning. Yay! I hear the old guy say "all-in." To be honest, I don't even know how many chips he has (that is a bad thing) I figure, based on how long he took that he has two diamonds and just decided to gamble.
I call and turn over my ten.
Brady is marching down the field.
I look away from the table, but my head snaps back when the table says "oooh."
He does not have a draw.
He has a hand.
QT.
My hand, much much better kicker.
Oh well.
The next two community cards are dealt. I lose.
"Does he have me covered? Am I out?"
I'm not out. But I have about a quarter of the amount of chips I started with. It's late. This is a devastating blow. Everyone at the table has me covered now...Patriots score!
Yay!
Ok, universe, I can accept busting as long as the Riots win this game.
The universe seems to think that's fair because the Colts go three and out, scoring NO points AND the Pats score AGAIN.
I make my peace with my choice and just starting shoving my chips in the middle, so I can go bust and watch the game.
Nope, everyone keeps folding to me and I get about half the chips I lost to the old man back from the rest of the table.
3 people bust by halftime.
I am 27 eliminations away from cashing. The Patriots are up by two touchdowns.
5 more bust.
Then 10.
Then another ten.
I am TWO away.
Colts score, but whatever. There's a shade over two minutes left in the game...
One more busts.
ONE more player and I cash in my first deepstack poker game EVER.
Holy crap.
AND THE PATRIOTS LEAD!
Uh oh...it's 4th and short. STILL MORE THAN 2 minutes left. 2:06. (Basically, if the Patriots can hold on to the ball unto 1:59, they can essentially kneel on the ball, run the clock and beat the Colts by six.)
Belichick and Brady have a decision to make.
They can kick the ball away (punt) to the Colts, play 2:06 minutes of defense. Or, they can try to hold on to the ball for 7 more seconds and seal the win.
I am out of my seat. A guy at a table across the room, yells:
"Don't worry sweetheart, the Patriots have won."
"SHUT UP. Don't jinx it," I yell back.
I sit back down, turn my back to the TV.
The dealer deals out the cards.
The first player to act, and aggressive player, who I haven't seen show down a hand yet, raises.
The next guy folds and then me.
I have pocket queens.
Aggressive guy has me covered. I am ONE away from cashing. I could risk it all right now and shove all my chips into the middle and let the cards fall where they may.
I turn around, Brady is back on the field. NO PUNTING!
The Patriots are going to go for it!
They need to hold the ball for SEVEN SECONDS!
6...5...4...
LEMON.
They miss.
But the play is under review...so...back to my decision...I call.
Dawn punts.
It folds to the Big Blind and he stands up and starts yelling at me because he can't see my chips.
I am now in a bad mood because I think the refs make a bad call against the Patriots and now the Colts have the stupid ball and now I have pocket queens and instead of putting it all on the line and going all-in, I just called and now everything in the universe is unfair and stupid.
"My chips are right in front of me! The FLOOR SET THEM (Cause she did after another guy complained he couldn't see them earlier), I am not even sitting in front of them because I'm watching the football game, so if you have a problem --"
He doesn't let me finish.
"---No, no...I'm sorry...you're right, you're fine...I'm just thinking...okay, I call."
I have him covered, but the raiser has us both covered.
Three of us are in this final hand right before the last person busts without any money. Number one loser.
The community cards are 7 5 2.
The Big Blind, yelly guy, checks.
Raiser bets about half my stack.
This is the problem with punting. I still don't know what to do now. I fold.
Big Blind also folds.
Colts score with 21 seconds left.
Someone else busts out.
Patriots lose, I cash.
But the Patriots went for it. My favorite headline screamed "All Guts, no Glory," across a picture of Belichick's face.
I, on the other hand, played scared. No guts, fiery shame. Money in my pocket.

Not so random thought

2009-10-26T09:13:00.000-07:00

I'm scared of the Dolphins AND the Saints. Who wants to switch schedules with the Patriots for the second half of the season?

Anybody?

Bueller? Bueller?

So...

2009-10-21T19:17:00.000-07:00

I've just about had it with "undefeated football teams."
Colts, Saints, Broncos, Vikings must eat it this week.

That is all.

Brady Swagger

2009-10-18T18:20:00.001-07:00

I don't know where to begin with the awesomeness that was today in football. Well, how about at the beginning.
I was at work all day Saturday. However, the internal servers were down, so we spent all day having chair races and talking football. In the most bizarre development, in an New York office of 15 people, there were 7 BILLS fans and 7 PATRIOTS fans!!! One girl didn't know anything about football. We then spent an hour trying to teach her. The guy was like "You get four tries to go ten yards. If you can't do that, the other team gets the ball." She then asked "what if you go more than ten yards, do you get more tries to go the next ten yards."
That. Would. Be. Awesome.
Anyway, I had to be at work for ten am, this is three hours later than I usually go in, so of course, I overslept because I figured I'd have no trouble waking up. I make terrible decisions. Anyway, I get up at 9:00, jump in the shower, decide that driving would be my best chance of getting in on time, and head down to the garage in my building. As I'm going down to the basement, I see a mom and her like year and a half year old son climbing up the stairs. The kid is wearing the ADORABLEST TOM BRADY JERSEY ever made! Life! I too am wearing a Tom Brady jersey! (Even though I was worried that people would think I was just sucking up to my boss, who is also a Pats fan, but fuck 'em, I wear Pats jerseys every Sunday! Even when I'm watching from my couch at home.)
So, the mom and I are chatting as they amble up the stairs and when they finally reach the top, I say "Go Pats!" And the kid says something which was clearly "yes, I too would like the Pats to go!"
Sooo cute!!
Alas, I was working until 6, so I would miss the Pats kickoff.
I was checking the internets on my phone, so I mostly relied on twitterfeeds for the 1 pm games. The guy next to me was pissed because Big Ben was having a good game against the Browns, but he had benched him in favor of Tom Brady.
"I can't believe this. Ben already has 20 fantasy points! Every week, I have to decide and I get screwed every week."
I glared at him.
Shut the hell up.
I have the Steelers D on my fantasy team and they have screwed me EVERY week! Including today! How do the Browns score 14 points on them?? HOW?
For the Patriots game, I switched over to Espn gamecast. If things went badly I didn't want to read jerkface tweetage. And if things went well...
Brady was sacked early on. I was not happy. Alceste had told me that the Titans D was garbage and that the game would be a blowout. So, for this garbage D to sack my Tommy...well, I thought it was going to be a looooong day.
Not so!
Every time I checked my phone, Patriots had the ball!
And every time the Patriots had the ball....TOUCHDOWN!
I turned to the guy next to me, who had been regretting his decision to play Brady...
"Brady just got a touchdown."
"Make that two."
"Another Brady touchdown."
"I mean four!"
"And...that'll be five."
It was soo awesome!
I couldn't let my boss know I was gamecast watching until I was done, but then I turned to office door and said "Pats looking good!"
He replied "It was 24 nothing last I checked."
"Oh, it's like 38 nothing now...I mean 45 nothing!"
HAHHAAHAHAHAHA
Brady swagger, bitches.
I got out and decided to go to the ESPN zone in Times Square.
Can you believe I couldn't find a bar with DirectTV anywhere closer?
ESPN zone had a sign up saying it would be ten dollars per hour because of the "huge interest in today's games."
Not bloody likely.
I did an end run around the hostess and took a seat near the bar.
I felt a little douchey showing up for the second half of a blowout wearing a Tom Brady jersey, so I kept my jacket zipped up and watched silently.
When Belichick pulled Brady after the sixth Touchdown, this dude in a Giants jersey starts talking shit about Brady and Belichick.
"Hey, nice game you guys had today," I said from my corner hiding place.
"OOOHHHH," the dudes in the Jets jerseys said.
Giants guy went back to drinking his beer.
Thaaat's right.
The whole bar couldn't believe what was happening to the Titans.
"This is like a college game score."
"College game, nothing. This is like a Madden videogame score."
I chuckled quietly.
And THEN...Buffalo TOUCHDOWN!
"Yes!!!"
I jumped out of my chair as the Bills tied up the game against the Jets.
Now the Jets fans stared at me.
"You a Bills fan, girl?"
Uhhh...
"No."
I unzipped my jacket, revealing the mighty mighty 12!
"This girl is Patriots fan! Look at her wearing a Brady jersey up in here."
Giants fan guy turns around, "well, at least she has the good sense to cover that shit up."
"Hey, I was just being humble, seeing as my guys are whipping the hell out of the Titans right now...even worse than the Saints beat you guys."
"Beat y'all in the Superbowl."
"Even a blind squirrel can find a nut once in a while."
Jets guy jumps in:
"We beat y'all two in a row! Last year at Foxboro and then here at home."
"Yeah, and then you went on to win the division and go to the playoffs, right?"
It was pretty light hearted and we were laughing back and forth. Everyone was happy to see Philly lose. But then Sanchez threw his third...fourth...interception and now the Bills were one field goal kick away from upsetting the Jets!
They were quiet, I was jubilant!
Then the Bills kick was...what's the name of this blog again?
Oh. Yeah.
OT. AND The Jets won the flip.
Booo.
But no! The Bills hold 'em and the fake kick is intercepted!! Bills ball!
(The bar was PISSED, by the way. They thought Feely would have made the kick!)
Anyway, as OT marched along, a Bills fan sauntered over and he immediately starts to boo me.
"Hey, I'm rooting for you guys, buddy."
"Oh yeah?"
"Hell yes!"
He gives me a high five. We weather the ups and downs together until the Bills were intercepted with 6 minutes to. Lemon.
The announcers started to talk "tie."
Eh, I'll take a tie!
Buffalo guy was not happy about that at all.
"Come on! We're gonna win!"
Meh.
Bills win, Bills tie...Patriots still in first.
But HUZZAH! Lindell's kick is good!
Everybody's happy!!!
Except the Jets.
WOOOO.
GO RIOTS!!! Let us never speak of Denver again.
Brady Swagger.
Respect.

Tha Jets LOSE...

2009-10-13T04:56:00.001-07:00

THHAAAA JETS LOOOOSSEEEEE. Hahahahhahaha. Okay, I was so bummed on Sunday because I thought the Riots were out of it, the Jets would pull ahead, plus they already have the tiebreaker shenanigans going for it...bleak Dawn in Summersville let me tell ya.
Ok, but we're right back in the hunt. You were granted a gift tonight Tom Brady, A MOTHER FLONKING GIFT. Please please don't return it sender. And I'm going to try to pretend I'm not worried about how good the Dolphins looked last night.
Gulp.
Good thing I did not put money where my trash talking "my one team will rack up more wins than your two teams" mouth. Oh and um, Braylon Edwards is pretty good.
Hahahahahhaa
Oh, that game was sweet.

Ugly, ugly, ugly

2009-10-11T16:38:00.000-07:00

Whenever Gostkowski shanks one, I crawl into a deep, deep funk of misery and despair. Um...insert some words about Tom Brady missing some big plays in clutch moments and lots of swear words for me. I'm going to bed.

Yikes

2009-10-09T18:15:00.000-07:00

Fred Taylor is out for the season. Why won't injuries let the Patriots be great?

WOW

2009-10-04T16:33:00.000-07:00

Okay, I guess I didn't even do a write up of last week's game. Patriots won, of course, but oh man, were the receivers KILLING ME. (I have Gostkowski on fantasy though, so I wasn't too upset that once again most of New England's point were coming off his sweet, sweet foot.) However, THIS WEEK!!! OH BABY!!! MY BOYS ARE BACK.
Brady to Moss! Brady to Welker! Brady to Morris! WATSON with a huge grab. TOM BRADY.
DUDE!!!!!!!!!!!
It's funny, I didn't realize that the Ravens were as good as they were (or that they were coming into Foxboro undefeated). I was very nonchalant about the game, didn't even get it up and running until second quarter. My guys were comfortably ahead and then...horribleness! Stupid mean guy beats Matt Light, forces a Brady fumble AND then stupid ugly bad guys get a touchdown to pull within 3. (THE VERY WORST PART?? The announcers had JUST finished saying how New England hadn't fumbled a ball in 27 games. Some kind of longest streak, blah blah blah. I wanted to gouge their eyes out.) But the very next drive, Brady was Brady again. Wow.
OH AND DID YOU SEE THE FAKED FIELD GOAL!! Gostkowski completed a pass AND got the first down!!
And then even with the penalty, NAILED the retry field goal!!!
I love this team!
I watched the end of the Dallas-Broncos game and I'm feeling okay about next week, even though Denver is undefeated.
The Jets' lost in SPECTACULAR fashion this afternoon, so New England is now tied for first. Hopefully, Sanchez has lost some of his swagger and hopefully, Miami got enough of a confidence boost from shellacking the Bills today, that next week will see Miami topple the Jets...what? it's possible.
My guys are 3-1 and in firstish place, so today's song of the day goes out to them:

No matter how many battles I been in and won/No matter how magazines on my nuts/no matter how many emcees I eat up/oh oh IT'S NEVER ENOUGH.
WE'RE COMING! THEY'RE GOING!!!!!! LET'S DO THIS.

Gannon sucks as much as McNabb

2009-10-04T16:32:00.000-07:00

Gannon didn't like the timeout because he thought that if Graham hit the field goal it would leave too much time for dangerous Cleveland return man Joshua Cribbs(notes) to take back the subsequent kickoff for a touchdown. You know, that dreaded post-score overtime kickoff that has felled so many teams throughout history.

Gannon's partner in the booth, Ian Eagle, quickly and politely informed Gannon that the game would be over if Graham successfully converted the field goal since NFL overtime is sudden death. Gannon laughed and apologized for his mistake. Awesomely, Eagle then asked if McNabb had infiltrated the broadcast booth. Nah, Ian, if that were true, Gannon would have vomited when the game got down to crunch time. (Rimshot!)

Buuurn.

In Belichick, I trus...fear

2009-09-26T16:20:00.000-07:00

Fisch emailed me a Bill Simmons column about the last Jets game of last season where Simmons perfectly captured how pissed I was about having to feel the grossness of rooting for the Jets, only to have them fail. Fuck you Fahvrah, fuck you very much. Every since, I've been a huge Bill Simmons fan. I love his writing, I love his love of the Patriots, I...um...skip all his Red Sox/Celtics columns, but big Bill Simmons hugs from me. And then I read this column.

Everyone in the Kool-Aid Camp believes in certain axioms that may no longer be true -- stuff like "never bet against the Patriots after a loss" and "when in doubt, Belichick will come through." They trust the foundation: eight straight winning seasons, three Super Bowl titles and the best eight-year overall record of any team in 20 years. The foundation will prevail. Always.

(Important note: My father is a charter member of this group. In fact, when I told him that I planned to write this column, he hissed things like, "it's too early," "we'll be fine," "you give up on our teams too easily," "this reminds me of when you quit on the Celtics two springs ago" and "you're an a**hole and I wish we weren't related." All solid points.)

For the second camp, it's more complicated. You wouldn't call them naysayers, just realists. And here's the reality: Today's NFL isn't built for teams to succeed year after year indefinitely. Extending the Malibu analogy, a good foundation only lasts so long. You still need to take care of your house. Need to wash the salt off your deck every day, update the furniture, keep a fresh coat of paint on there, check that foundation every few months to make sure it's fine. You cannot slip. You cannot fall behind. You cannot take anything for granted. Or else your house will start to look like crap.

As for himself he says: As a realist and a Kool-Aid drinker, for the life of me, I cannot decide between Camp No. 1 and Camp No. 2.

Me too! Except not really, I actually think Bill Belichick might be the dark lord himself. Like, um, THE dark lord, THE. He just does everything right, all the time! How he got caught in the silly, little videoing nonsense, I'll never know. Except, it had to be in his plan somehow...
So, when Brady tore his ACL and Cassel, who hadn't started a game since high school moved to the helm, I wasn't worried. I wasn't! I remember telling Alceste, after the loss to the Dolphins, that I was sure Belichick would do whatever he needed to...er...motivate young Cassel to step up...including, but not limited to kidnapping the kid's mother until the losing stopped.
And so it is now, Belichick will find a way. First, when Kevin O'connell's body is found, I know Bill WILL have an alibi. Just sayin'. Second, um...Giselle needs to watch her stupid Nazi back...next interception Tom throws....again, just sayin'. Belichick don't play.
So, Atlanta tomorrow...
Our defense sucks, our offense is injured, Brady is dead and well, the Falcons don't exactly suck...Not.A.Good.Combo.
But fingers crosses, Pats jersey on back, in Belichick I...fear.
Let's GO RIOTS!

Quote of the Day

2009-09-23T18:12:00.000-07:00

Hey CK, our teams may be 1-1 and key members of our team may be injured (Mayo, Welker) but at least we aren't fans of two football teams that are BOTH 0-2! When I point this out to Fisch, he texts back:

"I hate you. Don't text me."

And is thusly, quote of the day and saddest football fan ever.

1-1

2009-09-20T19:46:00.001-07:00

I almost called this post, Tom Brady is dead. (I still might. Lot of post to be written. Stay tuned. -ed.)
My friend Matt called me up last week to ask if I wanted to go with him to the Patriots game. Matt is a Jets fan and my boys would be playing Gang Green at Giants stadium. I thought about it for all of, oh, two and a half seconds, and said yes.
I went to my very first NFL game last year at Gilette and I loved it! The crowds, the field, the players. Everything. Oh, and that Cassel put up a big fat W against the Rams didn't hurt either.
But an away game.
Ruh roh.
I would be bringing it New England style, trust that. And I was willing to get beat, doused with beer, whatevs: I am Sparta...er...Dawn.
I set my alarm. Got dolled up in my Pats sweatshirt with my Brady jersey on top. I grabbed my car keys (complete with Patriots' keychain) and headed out the door. As I walked to the elevator, I decided it wouldn't be prudent to park my car whilst wearing my Brady jersey at Giants stadium. I'd put it on after I walked a safe distance from my brand new Beamer. The son should not suffer for the sins of his mother.
As I took off my jersey, a voice from behind stopped me.
"Hey! You can't do that! Brady needs us today."
A strapping man in a Ladder 35 T-shirt was carrying stereo equipment and walking behind me toward the elevator.
"Hah. I still have on my sweatshirt. I'll put the jersey back on when I get to the game, don't worry."
"Oh, you're going? Good! They're gonna need you today."
"But we're going to win right...I can't be in the middle of a Giants stadium full of happy Jets fans."
He grimaced.
"I dunno...it's gonna be close. But it's Brady, right? You see the game Monday?"
"Hell yes!"
We high fived. The elevator reached the basement. We exchanged names and parted at his jeep.
"See ya."
"Good luck today!"
I had to drive out to Williamsburg to pick up Matt and his BFF Brian.
"How come you're not wearing a Patriots jersey?" Matt asked, getting in.
"Oh, it's in the trunk. I don't want any harm to come to my car."
He laughed.
Brian and Matt are hilarious. Matt, an unrepentant total hippie who bicycle rides everywhere and hates the man and capitalism, takes great pleasure in mocking me for driving a BMW named after the founder of Yale University. "How do you relate to normal people?"
"Are you normal?"
"No," Brian yelled from the backseat.
Brian then informed me that he and Matt are in a bicycle gang -- not motorcycle -- bicycle. You can tell this by the intimidating tats they have on their feet.
Brian then cracked me up doing impressions of the traders at his company who are all "bros" most likely to do time for date rape.
"That's just how they roll."
We couldn't find an address for the stadium, so I just inputted the city and hoped for the best.
This was the best: getting to East Rutherford and seeing signs that said "To Giants Stadium," after following these signs we started to see signs that said "Permit Holders" and they pointed toward the stadium; the other signs that said "Nonpermit holders" pointed somewhere in the vicinity of Hoboken.
"You can't park on our property without a permit," a burly man told me as I inched too close to the "Permit Holders" lanes.
Racist.
Lincoln freed the slaves, buddy. I can be on your property all I want!
Jerkface.
We followed the signs to Hoboken and came upon a lot that said "nonpermit parking. Ten bucks. At your own risk." There was a bit of a line and we waited in it. But as we sat there the scene looked sketchier and sketchier. The driver in the BMW in front of us must have been thinking the same thing because he pulled out of the line and headed back to the highway.
"Uh...should I follow him," I asked.
"It's your Beamer," Matt answered.
True dat.
I peeled off behind my fellow Beamer guy.
I followed him to a hotel lot about two miles away.
Here parking was $25, but they provided a shuttle bus back to Giants Stadium in East Rutherford.
How bullshit is all this?
I parked Prince Eli (the aforementioned BMW named after Elihu Yale) and put on my Brady jersey. I locked all my valuables in the trunk and set the car alarm. I was ready!
"Um...Dawn?"
I looked up.
"Yeah?"
Brian pointed to my wide open driver's side door.
D'oh.
He slammed it shut, I reset the alarm and this time I was really ready!
Giddy up!
We took the shuttle bus to the stadium.
The bus was filled with Brady jerseys.
"I'm surrounded," Matt groaned.
We got off and started walking past the tailgaters.
Oh, My Christian ears.
The slurs and insults being hurled in the direction of my Brady jersey are virtually unrepeatable.
Except apparently Tom Brady is a homosexual and the Patriots suck.
I kept my head down.
"You guys are my muscle, right?"
Matt started whistling and looking off in other directions.
"Actually, I'm the one most likely to start hurling insults at you when we get inside," Brian added, "But if anybody else tries to get involved I will end them. I'll be all 'Tom Brady can suck my cock,' and some guy will jump in and be all "yeah, Tom Brady sucks," and I'll be all "shut the fuck up. Was I talking to you? Was anybody talking to you? You watch your mouth in front of her," and then I'll deck 'em.
I was laughing my head off.
Oh yes. This was when I was having a good day.
Giants stadium, by the way, SUX. With an x. That's right. The bathrooms are gross throwbacks to my days as a Brooklyn public school kid in the 1970s. (Um...I mean I wasn't born in the 70s.) The seats are crap and dude everything says "Giants Stadium" everywhere. I took shit from my facebook friends for saying this, but how do you stand that...like with your face showing?
I'm a fan of New York's underdog baseball team, the Mets. If Citifield said "Yankees Stadium" all over it, I'd spit. And vomit.
OK. Anyway.
We had beautiful seats, on the endzone...which kinda made it hard to see the endzone. Hmm...hey, Tom? Was that your excuse too?
Ugh.
I was surrounded by Green.
One guy was wearing the Green Hulk hands that they made for that movie a couple of years ago. Was that cross promoted at Giants stadium?? Cause if it wasn't...dude, missed opportunity! They are perfect for Jets fans.
Some American Idol fucknut sang the National Anthem. He was doing all this stupid harmonizing shit to it, like The Star Spangled Banner needs his flash in the pan assistance to be great. Hey, Constantine. I don't. Sit your ass down. Love, The Star Spangled Banner.
The game started and the Patriots looked bad.
Four and out. I was queasy.
We drew first blood, but it was just a field goal.
I had the same feeling I had while watching The Superbowl that was Canceled two years ago. We were ahead on the scoreboard, but we were losing.
So many missed opportunities. No one could get open. Brady couldn't hit the broadside of a barn. The officials were definitely calling the game favorably, but we weren't doing our parts.
The Jets fans were making fun of me. One guy made me laugh when he saw me tweeting: "texting your friends about how cute Tom Brady is, sweetheart? OMG LOL?"
I wanted to join in when they started chanting "Boston sucks" "Boston sucks"
"Boston sucks".
What? I'm a Brooklyn girl AND A YALIE! BOSTON SUCKS, WHAT UP?
But I understood that in this context they were saying the Riots suck. AND THEY DO NOT.
Er...well, they did...but that's for me to say and you to find out.
Or something.
Second half whatever was protecting the Patriots from defeat vanished. The talisman was broken and the Jets were scoring all over our faces.
I started to dread seeing Tom on the field. Failure after failure after failure. I started screaming for them to just "go for the field goal," as soon as they got possession. In Gostkowski I trust.
Oh, mighty vomiticus, please take away my sorrow.
I gave up on the game in the 3rd quarter. About three quarters after Tom Brady, so I should be commended.
Giants stadium was fit to be tied.
They ran out the clock, taking knees like good boys and that was that.
Tom Brady's first regular season loss in...a long dang time.
A well earned loss, I'll add.
The Jets fans were gracious.
"We told you Tom Brady sucked."
"Have a nice drive back to New England, wherever that is."
"Nanana hey hey hey goodbye."
"Brady ain't shit."
I hid behind Matt.
"Aw, you're safe. They'd only hurt you if we lost."
"Yeah, it would be a little douchey to win AND beat me up."
A Pats fan -- a DRUNK Pats fan -- grabbed me into a hug from behind.
"Don't worry, honey. It's just one game. The season is long," his breath reeked of beer and his Boston accent was thick.
"Um...thanks." Stop touching me.
The boys were also very sweet.
"Hey, it's ok...maybe you guys will beat the Bengals or something...oh...right."
FUCKERS.
Preseason. That doesn't count...I...um...
Hate everybody.
Tom Brady is dead.
To me.

That's won

2009-09-19T11:50:00.000-07:00

"Damn girl, you got money on the game?"
I was screaming my head off in an almost empty poker room at Bally's when Tom Brady drilled his second TD pass to Ben Watson in under three minutes.
"Nah, I'm just a fan."
Ha! I was decked out in my personalized Pats jersey, which I was wearing over my Patriots T-shirt. When it's game day, I bring it New England style!
Unfortunately, business meant that I would be on the road to the office, instead of on my couch or at a bar by kickoff. Alceste told me I could probably find the game on AM radio. Sure enough, as soon as I flipped the dial to AM the announcers were calling the game. My heart stopped when they said "Brady looks hurt." Fuck! Then they said something about Kansas City and Mary pointed out that it was only 7:02 -not time enough for anything to really have happened yet. Sure enough, it was just a replay of last year's season opener. No need to wrap my car around a tree.
That would come later.
When the Riots couldn't get a first down in Buffalo terrority. When Gostkowski missed the field goal. When Buffalo scored first! Ugh. Alack! Wail!
It was dark on the Garden State and the orange glow of the display on the radio console was giving the night an eery feeling.
"I wish I hadn't found this stupid radio station," I complained bitterly.
"Listening to football games in the car reminds me of when I was a kid and my dad would put them on in the car on Sundays," Mary said.
Oh, so happy for you and your having a dad as a child having ways! Do you not hear the Patriots losing, woman???!!!!
Of course, in case she couldn't hear the broadcast, she could hear my phone buzzing with texts from Vinnay after every New England disaster.
I pulled over at a resstop and began to reply to him.
"Bite me."
"Go to hell."
"Aren't you a Cowboys fan now, you stupid jerkface?"
A few moments after we got back on the road, Buffalo got a pick six and the Bills were in the lead again.
I turned off my phone. The Patriots couldn't respond and we had to settle for a field goal. Buffalo took the lead into halfttime.
I turned off the radio and glumly finished the ride in Atlantic City.
The players were back on the field by the time Mary and I got to the hotel checkin.
"What the hell are they wearing??" I screamed at the TV, horrified by the scarlet red uniforms. They reminded me of the goat sucking Hahvard Cantab uniforms. Sure enough, it was some bullshit throwback to New England's stint as the Boston Patriots. Vomit.
As I watched a couple of plays, I would accidentally root for the Bills because their uniforms looked more like the traditional Pats gear.
So frustrating.
Time for poker.
As I walked to the room in my jersey, a couple of black dudes were like "you're a Pats fan? They're not doing so good right now!"
I glared.
Seriously, I don't think people realize how personally I take my football.
I didn't bother asking what teams they rooted for.
I got to the poker room in time to see the Bills score AGAIN. Ugh.
It was grim.
By the fourth quarter I needed something good to happen. I was slumped in a chair, now taking text abuse from Doris as well. (I guess he knows his Jets don't stand a chance, so might as well latch onto the Bills' luckbox victory.)
By the time I watched the Bills come back from 3rd and 15 after a SACK to get a first down AND score a Touchdown I was ready to open a vein.
5 minutes left. Down 11. This. Game. Was. Over.
I also picked the Patriots in my suicide pool, so I would be out of that too. FIRST! Even before G-train! And he's gay! (That was inappropriate. I'm turning myself into that website now.)
I cry. I started my 'shut the hell up' blog post.
Then Brady hit Watson, and we pulled within 5.
"Big fucking deal, Tom! TOO LATE!" I yelled at the TV. And then the Pats fucked up the two point conversion.
Greeeaatt. No Gostkowski points either.
I. Was. Pissed.
I looked away and then heard the television announcers verbally wet their pants with excitement.
"New England came up with it! New England's got it!"
I looked back.
The red uniforms were furiously pointing their arms toward the Buffalo red zone.
OH MY GOD!!!!!!
I fell out of my chair.
(Dawn is NOT making that up.)
Brady was back on the field!!! My phone was suddenly silent.
Plleeaaasseee Gooooddddd.
I made my bargains with the Almighty.
Boom! Brady to Watson! TD!
It's good!
Hahahahahahahhahahahahahahhaah
I sat quitely waiting out the clock.
No premature gloating texts.
And then the beautiful F appeared.
Patriots: 25 Bills: 24 F.
Hahahhahahhahahahahahahhahaha
OH MAN.
Football is AWESOME.
A friend has gotten us tickets to go to the game at Giants stadium on Sunday.
I will be the girl wearing Patriots gear from head to toe screaming "I love you Tom!"
Quote me.
Also, um, what's the best treatment for black eyes?

Conversation of the Day

2009-09-11T20:26:00.001-07:00

Me: The Jets are such cheaters.
KJ: Why? What'd they do?
Me: Lied about Favre's injuries!
KJ: Whatever, you think *that"s* cheating? Come on.
Me: No, but I don't think videotaping your opponents when they are practicing out in the open is cheating either.

Football Season!

2009-09-11T08:55:00.000-07:00

With the Steelers victory over the Titans, people can stop telling me to "chill because it's only preseason." Fuckers. Not my fault your team wasn't 3-1. I'm doing two fantasy leagues this year. The first, with my old law firm buddies and bloggers extraordinaire Alceste and Vinnay. That league had a snake draft (I think that's what it's called) and I was like 8th out of ten, such sucky positioning. Of course, I took Tom Brady with my first pick, and planned to take Moss with my second pick, but the evil Mark ruined all those plans. I did end up with a three-man Patriot force though: Brady, Taylor, and Gostkowski. I also have the Steeler Defense. So last night game was a good thing! My team is called the Zac Attacks and here's the lineup:

Tom Brady
(NE - QB)
WR
Roddy White
(Atl - WR)

WR
Terrell Owens
(Buf - WR)

RB
Chris Johnson
(Ten - RB)

RB
Fred Taylor
(NE - RB)

TE
Owen Daniels
(Hou - TE)

W/T
Kevin Walter
(Hou - WR)

BN
Darren McFadden
(Oak - RB)

BN
Julius Jones
(Sea - RB)

BN
Matt Hasselbeck
(Sea - QB)
StL Sun

Steve Smith

BN
Earl Bennett
(Chi - WR)
BN
Michael Jenkins
(Atl - WR)

K
Stephen Gostkowski
(NE - K)
Buf Mon
4:00 pm 98% - - - - - - 0.00

DEF
Pittsburgh

My other league is with Scrabble people and they used a preset draft system. I guess I got number one pick in that league cause this is what my team looks like:

QB
Matt Cassel
(KC - QB)
@Bal Sun
1:00 pm 6.18 0.00
QB
Jake Delhomme
(Car - QB)
Phi Sun
1:00 pm 7.95 0.00
WR
Reggie Wayne
(Ind - WR)
Jac Sun
1:00 pm 6.77 0.00
WR
Santana Moss
(Was - WR)
@NYG Sun
4:15 pm 4.61 0.00
RB
Adrian Peterson
(Min - RB)
@Cle Sun
1:00 pm 11.14 0.00
RB
Marion Barber
(Dal - RB)
@TB Sun
1:00 pm 6.80 0.00
TE
Antonio Gates
(SD - TE)
@Oak Mon
10:15 pm 4.93 0.00
W/R
Reggie Bush
(NO - RB)
Det Sun
1:00 pm 10.70 0.00
K
Mason Crosby
(GB - K)
Chi Sun
8:20 pm 8.81 0.00
K
John Kasay
(Car - K)
Phi Sun
1:00 pm 8.05 0.00
DEF
Miami
(Mia - DEF)
@Atl Sun
1:00 pm 5.53 0.00
DEF
Cincinnati
(Cin - DEF)

Stunned

2009-08-30T20:22:00.001-07:00

Al Michaels just announced on NBC's Sunday Night Football telecast that New England Patriots LB Tedy Bruschi will announce his retirement tomorrow.

The Patriots have not confirmed the news but did issue a press release saying "The New England Patriots have called a press conference for an important player announcement at 10:45 Monday morning."

No words. It's a sad day in Dawnville tonight.

Lost the second preseason game, gained a new fan

2009-08-26T14:52:00.000-07:00

Vinnay is now a Patriots fan! Go congratulate him on his new home.

Because everybody hates the Cowboys

2009-08-20T09:44:00.001-07:00

Bengals focussed "Hard Knocks" outperforms 2008's version starring the Cowgirls.

Nielsen Media Research reports that the HBO television network experienced significant ratings increases, compared to 2008, with the premiere episode of “Hard Knocks ’09: Training Camp with the Cincinnati Bengals.”

The Aug. 12 telecast at 10 p.m. EDT delivered a 1.66 national household rating and 533,000 national household impressions. Compared to 2008, when the Dallas Cowboys were featured on Hard Knocks, the premiere episode was up 28 percent in household rating and 35 percent in household impressions.

Go Riots!

2009-08-20T04:36:00.000-07:00

Second preseason game tonight against the Bengals. I've been following Chad Ocho Cinco on twitter. What a crazy dude. I've unfollowed him though in preparation for tonight's showdown. I'm hoping I will get to watch the game, but I'm not overly optimistic.
So, what's the deal with preseason, anyway? Does it really not matter? The Patriots lost all their preseason games last year and then didn't make the playoffs. I say that isn't a coincidence! :)

Your mom is soft

2009-08-13T03:22:00.000-07:00

GAME TIME! Pats v. Eagles and Brady says "put me in coach."

And that's when the two-time Super Bowl MVP plans to prove that, despite all the trappings of his success, he has not gone soft.

"I'm a believer that talk is real cheap," Brady said this summer. "I know it looks glamorous at times, but I think what I enjoy the most is playing football and being with my family, and those are the kind of things that I do. I'm excited to go out there and compete."

Um, have I mentioned that I kinda love him?

Vinnay scoffs at the idea of Brady taking snaps against Philly's third stringers, but the Riots don't play football scared. We play football. If Brady's game, I hope Belichick puts him in there. The Pats have gone through some changes in the off-season, but the core men assigned to protect Tom remain unchanged: Mankins, Light, Neal, Kaczur, Coppen. On the other hand, those were the men protecting him on 9/3/08. Groan.
Above all things, I trust in Belichick, though. So, um, whatever happens, is good with me. I don't even think I can see the game in NYC, anyway...boo.
GO PATS, CRUUUUUUSSHHHHHHHHHHHHH THOSE BIRDS!

Can someone come take my temperature?

2009-08-12T04:23:00.000-07:00

I'm pretty sure I have PATRIOTS FEVER!!!!

ONE MORE MONTH! ONE MORE MONTH!!! Unless, you believe the hype and think Tom is actually taking snaps against the Eagles on Thursday...do we? Do we believe that hype???

A girl can only dream!!

Football's back!

2009-08-10T03:57:00.000-07:00

I watched three quarters of last night's thrashing of Buffalo before falling asleep. The touchdown by the punter was sooo classic! I am not at all afraid of TO.

Tom Brady says he'll play in the preseason

2009-08-09T16:31:00.000-07:00

And anyone that believes that for even a second, hasn't been paying much attention.

Another Brady Rule

2009-08-06T08:26:00.000-07:00

Tom first entered common lingo as the most famous beneficiary of the tuck rule, now usually called "the Brady Tuck rule" after it saved our win against the Raiders. (All hail the tuck rule! HAIL!) Now, Tom has inspired a new rule:

FOXBOROUGH - When Patriots quarterback Tom Brady crashed to the Gillette Stadium
turf, his left knee mangled after being struck by Chiefs safety Bernard Pollard
in last year’s season opener, there was something noticeably missing.

A
penalty flag.

By rule, the NFL determined that referee Carl Cheffers
made the correct call by keeping the yellow flag in his grasp. This year,
however, that type of play will be an infraction.

Some are calling it
the “Tom Brady Rule.’’

The change was highlighted yesterday at Gillette
Stadium as referee Terry McAulay visited Patriots training camp, meeting with
both the team and media members. McAulay, who worked Super Bowls XXXIX (in which
the Patriots beat the Eagles) and XLIII and is one of the NFL’s most respected
officials, explained that referees will be ready to unfurl their flags at
Pollard-like hits this year.

Now, I also wanted to rip Bernie Pollard's eyes out for ending New England's Superbowl revenge fantasies, but truthfully, he didn't do anything wrong. He did his job, unlike our freaking offensive line. WHAT THE HELL, GUYS!! PROTECT THE BRADY!!! THAT'S ALL WE ASK!!! PROTECT HIIIIIIIIIMMMMMMMMMMMM. So, I'm not psyched about the creation of this rule. The other team tears your QBs ACL, you tear their QBs ACL AND his take out a lung. (Sorry, Cassel.) It's football not, what's some sissy lame sport? Soccer. I hate that the NFL is regulating all the bad assness from te hgame. Don't get me started on the "excessive celebration" rules.
IT WAS A SNOW ANGEL FOR GOODNESS SAKES!

Now where will former Buffalo quarterbacks go?

2009-08-04T09:56:00.000-07:00

Arena football folds.

Oh.My.GOD.

2009-07-30T11:36:00.001-07:00

I AM SO GOING!!!

Who's coming with me?

New Jersey Jets

2009-07-30T05:41:00.000-07:00

As much as I taunt the Buffalo Bills, at least they actual play in *Buffalo*. How artarded to you have to be to not even know what State you play in, jeez. So, today's trash talking: Jersey Jets.

I heard this one a while ago: What does Jets stand for? Just End The Season already.

I know that's how I felt watching Favre puke all over the field in the last game against the Dolphins. (Metaphorical puke, not the real, Donovan McNabb OMG-the-Superbowl-is-SO-HARD-can't-we-just-agree-to-tie-? kinda puking.)

But yesterday, I read this one and it made me laugh and laugh:

What's the difference between the Jets and a dollar?

You can get four quarters out of a dollar.

HAHAHAHAHAHAH

Suck it, Jersey!

Not so random thought

2009-07-28T17:56:00.000-07:00

I wanted to name my blog "BradytoMossTouchdown," but in addition to being way too long (when you add .blogspot), I understand the reality that we do ultimately root for laundry and I will be a Pats fan even (sob) after Tom and Randy are gone. Pats players come and go, but the Bills will suck forever.

Oh, speaking of which, my nemesis in the AFC East, Vinnay, has started a rival football blog.

Go laugh at him. And then ask him where his Randy Moss jersey is.

It's not easy being me

2009-07-28T05:18:00.000-07:00

I've been a Patriots fan since November 2007.
I also live in Brooklyn, New York.
So, pretty much my life has been hell for almost two years. First, I was heckled as a bandwagon jumper (hey, if there is an awesome wagon with a hot quarterback a superfly Wide Receiver, with their merry band of undefeated awesomeness driving right by your window, why the hell *wouldn't* you jump on??) And then I was mercilessly mocked when my team lost the Superbowl to the spawn of Satan and the New Jersey Giants.
As if that wasn't enough, I was deluged with sarcastic condolences for the loss of Tom Brady during the first game of the '08 season.
Bastards.
But I perserved! I huddled together with my fellow Brooklyn based Pats fans in various Brooklyn bars and we watched the untested Matt Cassel take us so close to the promised land.
Soooo cllooooossseeeee. (Insert I-hate-Brett-Favre-soo-much moaning here.)
But all that is behind us.
Tom is Back.
He's healthy and better than ever. (Hopefully.) (Am looking for supportive, cheery words that rhyme with O'Connell, just in case.)
And hey, as bad as things are, they could be worse.
We could be Buffalo Bills fans.
Or have Brett Favre be our last saving hope for a decent season. BRETT FAVRE! HAHAHAHAHAAHA
As you can tell, both by those last few sentence AND the name of this blog, I like to talk trash.
I especially like to talk trash during the football season.
I don't know that much about football, but I have much love for the Patriots and much hate for all other teams. Especially the Giants. And the Eagles. And the Colts. And the Jets. And the Dolphins. And the Cowboys.
I have grudging respect for the Steelers. But we're coming for you guys. Trust that.
Have nothing but pity and mockery for the Bills and the Vikings. And the Saints (they count as a real NFL frachise, right? I mean, barely, but they get in there, right?)
I will hate the other teams with greater specificity as they face my boys or affect the Patriots' push for number four.
Heh.
Welcome to my blog.

Pre Season

2009-07-28T05:12:00.001-07:00

Less than three weeks to go!